Swiss banks just ain't what they used to be.
Back in the day, you could stash your ill-gotten gains in their alpine vaults, tax-free, no questions asked. But before you jet off to Gstaad for a little white collar crime après-ski, be warned: Switzerland is now incredibly lame. Just ask Pierin Vincenz.
The 65-year-old former Swiss banking CEO was charged this year with a number of financial crimes he allegedly committed in cahoots with the awesomely-named Beat Stocker. Swiss authorities say Vincenz and Stocker made over $27 million by amassing shares in companies they then arranged to have sold to Raiffeisen, the bank Vincenz ran.
Seems like the sort of thing the Swiss financial system was built for, but alas! Cancel culture has prevailed where any number of warring nations have failed and gotten the once-neutral country to come down firmly on the side of snitches and feds. Swiss authorities are now combing through Vincenz's expense accounts like a vengeful human resources director.
Unlike the chocolate-covered derelicts raking this captain of industry over the coals, we here at the Washington Free Beacon still believe in capitalism. So we take Vincenz at his word when he says there was a perfectly legitimate reason for each of these business expenses:
—$4,000 to a Hyatt in Zurich for damaging a hotel room during a "massive" fight with a stripper. Was he supposed to leave the room trashed?
—$750 for a Tinder date Vincenz claims was actually a job interview. Well, we found half our staff on JSwipe, so who are we to judge?
—$216,000 in strip club charges the financier claimed were necessary to meet potential clients. Yes, networking is important!
—$30,000 Vincenz spent chartering a private jet for a "cooking club" trip to Mallorca. Actually this may not pass the smell test. Wasn't there a buffet at the strip club?
Vincenz defended his spending during his trial, telling the court, "I don't have the feeling I have done anything criminal here."
We agree. But, unfortunately for Vincenz, we don't have jurisdiction in Switzerland, which in April sentenced him to four years in prison and ordered him to pay millions of dollars in fines and restitution.
It's unclear if Switzerland will strip Vincenz of the "Banker of the Year" title it bestowed upon him in 2014. But in case they do, we'd like to give him something to make up for it. Congratulations, Herr Vincenz. You are now and forever a Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year.