Sydney zookeepers scheduled a baboon for a vasectomy but their plans were cut short. The incident occurred last February when a male baboon and his two female companions were en route to an animal facility at Royal Prince Alfred Hospital. After monkeying around with a broken truck lock, the baboons made their escape to freedom and through a car park, with onlookers taking video.
Sadly it was only a matter of hours before authorities apprehended the three (one of whom may or may not have said, "Take your stinkin’ paws off me you damn dirty human!").
The reason for the vasectomy, New South Wales health minister Brad Hazzard explained, "is to allow [the baboon] to continue to live his life in peace and harmony with his own family and they couldn't have him continuing constantly to breed within the troupe because it presents all sorts of genetic problems."
An MP with the Animal Justice Party, however, said on social media that the baboons were simply fleeing to "avoid further painful procedures forced upon their bodies against their will." This is, coincidentally, how most men feel about this particular procedure.
As for the two female companions, Hazzard explained their presence was needed in order to keep the male calm. When reached for comment, the Washington Free Beacon’s own Truth Monkey replied, "Who needs more than two female companions, really? I can barely satisfy myself!"
Doctors eventually went through with the vasectomy and the baboon was returned to his colony, presumably having more fun than a barrel of, well, you know.
In admiration for his desire to preserve his monkeyhood, we salute this ballsy baboon as a Free Beacon Man of the Year.
Published under: Men of the Year