Culture

2019 Man of the Year: Iowa Fireworks Man

Iowa fireworks guy

"Florida man" got a run for his money this year when a hero from Iowa reminded the country what it truly means to be an American.

This Iowa man found himself in jail after shooting fireworks off at 4 a.m., which is the ideal time for lighting off mortars and aerials. (Your humble writer recommends getting yourself a rack of "Fan of Freedom," tailored for the "enthusiastic aficionado of fireworks." This baby packs 500 grams of powder, procuring it a five-star rating on the noise meter.)

When confronted by police, Iowa man stood his ground, telling the brass he would light more fireworks "with a blunt in his mouth because this is America."

Indeed.

Pressed by police officers to submit to a breathalyzer test, our Iowa man responded "that he would take a preliminary go fuck yourself test."

Indeed.

For this act of bravery and patriotism, Iowa man receives the distinction of 2019 Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year.