Allow us to try to describe the indescribable, the perfect life.
It's 11:25 a.m. on November 2, 2017.
You awake in a king size bed in a luxury hotel room in downtown Los Angeles.
You open your eyes and stare at an empty bottle of Ace of Spades champagne on the bedside table.
You notice another one over by the fireplace, then two more by the Jacuzzi, and a fifth on the floor by your bed next to your iPhone X.
Panicked by the scene, you immediately pick up your phone and check your bank balance.
"WHAT HAVE I DONE?" you ask yourself repeatedly. This is gonna hurt. "Was I roofied? What the hell just happened. How the hell did I get here?"
The bank is on the line and you press "3" to get your current bank balance. You hold your breath and close your eyes.
The panic sweats wash over you.
The nice robot on the phone says "your current balance is one hund-red seven-tee million dollars and six-tee nine cents."
Wheww … you're good. Things start to come into focus now.
You rub your eyes and then check your phone for texts.
The most recent is one from your boss asking if you're gonna be around tomorrow. Apparently, the sixth largest city in America wants to throw a parade in your honor. You think to yourself, "that's cool and all, so maybe, yeah, dunno."
You text back, "standby, Imma ask."
You roll over in bed to notice a blonde, extremely well proportioned young woman lying beside you. You realize it's not just any woman.
She just so happens to be the cover model of the 2017 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
We’re talking about KATE UPTON, people!
You're naked in bed, in a luxury hotel, you're personally worth $170 million and you've got KATE UPTON looking at you!!!!!!
But we're not finished.
You lean in to waken God's most perfect creation and whisper "hey babe, do you want to go to a parade tomorrow?"
She rolls over and says, "Haven't we given enough? Isn't it our time now?"
"I want to go to Italy!" she says.
This gives you pause.
You think to yourself "Have we in fact, given enough?"
You run through your charity internally.
A mere two months ago, you asked this perfect woman if she'd give you permission to uproot your perfect life and move 1,000 miles south from your comfortable home in Detroit, all the way to the flood ravaged city of Houston, Texas.
She said yes.
Kate looked you right in the eye and told you that just as God himself gave her the perfect body, he gave you a rocket arm. That rocket arm was meant for great things and what single thing is greater than hope?
The people of Houston, Texas, needed hope. They needed your rocket arm and they needed a world championship.
She said yes.
And so you went. Off to Houston to bring the devastated city hope, heaters, and more hope.
You, with Kate by your side, proceeded to make minced meat out of all opponents, slaying all comers. A World Series victory was yours by November 1.
Oh, you've given enough all right, but now it was time to take what's yours.
"Italy?" you say to the lovely Kate. "You want to go to Italy? With me?"
She, of course, says yes.
You think to yourself, there's only one thing left to make this perfect life of mine even more perfect. "Let's lock this down," you think to yourself. "Let's close this out."
"Why don't we go to Italy AND get married?" you ask her.
She says yes.
You then proceed to text your manager back, "Hey bro, no can do on the parade, gotta take the private jet to Italy. Getting married. Send pics, much luv pce"
It's November 2, 2017.
Your name is Justin Verlander. You play Major League Baseball for the World Champion Houston Astros. You're worth $170,000,000 and you've just had the greatest day in the history of all mankind.
It's 11:58 a.m.
It's not even noon and you're just about to cap off a perfect day by clinching a Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year. Congrats, buddy. You've earned it.