2015 Man of the Year: Bad Granddad

/ AP
December 30, 2015

If you’ve ever dated a cat owner, you’ve no doubt seen a throw pillow embroidered with the fake Abraham Lincoln quote, "It's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." An elderly Pennsylvania man proved there’s more to that quote that maudlin sentimentality. He was booted from an old folks’ home after investigators discovered a half-naked prostitute hiding under his bed.

The man, described as a "more mobile gentleman," served as the facility’s chief smuggler, making straw purchases of alcohol and selling it to his bedridden cohorts at a profit. He shared generously with his fellow randy residents.

"This guy is in his 70s and not only coming up with clever business plans, he’s also savvy enough to hide a hooker under his bed," Barstool Sports said of the news. "You have to respect this old man for…having the drive to run some sort of Zack Morris-style booze running scheme."

Well said, save the Millennial analogy. This man’s business acumen and vision exceed any of the antics peddled by the Mr. Morris. He follows in the footsteps of the heroic smugglers of his childhood, the ones who inspired Humphrey Bogart’s Rick Blaine in Casablanca. He is a geriatric Oskar Schindler, a modern day Joseph Kennedy, a real-life Han Solo.

Like all smugglers, he delivered the fleeting pleasures that make life worth living and less lonely. It is how he spent that money that distinguishes him from the past. Han Solo squandered his energy and money assisting a terror organization while Kennedy gave us future generations of accused rapists and bad drivers. This man saved his money to supporting only worthy causes.

"He was using his profits for prostitutes and one was found hiding under his bed," Montgomery County CFO Uri Monson told The Morning Call.

For his dedication to the happiness of his fellow residents, good business sense, and crafty hiding skills, the Washington Free Beacon is honored to present a Man of the Year award to Unnamed-Pennsylvania-Prostitute-Purchasing-Booze-Peddling Grandpa.