2015 Man of the Year: Aldabra Giant Turtle

December 31, 2015

How would you respond if you were ambushed by Peeping Toms during an intimate encounter with your lover? A normal individual might cover himself in shame. A Free Beacon Man of the Year would charge at the perverts buck naked.

One Aldabra giant tortoise was making love to a beautiful lady tortoise on his private island when National Geographic host Paul Rose barged in, camera crew in tow.

"You can hear a call over here, sort of like ‘Uhhhhhh, uhhhhh.’ Kind of a pushing, blowing sound," Rose said luridly.

"Mating tortoises, how lucky is that? Yes, fantastic," Rose said when he stumbled upon the tortoise love nest. "They’ve stopped mating now."

Caught in flagrante, the testy tortoise stared down his visitors. Then, as it was a matter of honor, he charged Rose and the camera crew—without even stopping to put on his pants.

"This is what you call dogged tortoise determination," Rose said as the tortoise sprinted after him.

After a 400-yard footrace, the tortoise spared Rose’s life and returned to console his lover, giving Rose time to reflect on his actions. He concluded the tortoise was right and that he was an asshole.

"You can’t blame him. He’s in the bushes over there mating on this beautiful, private, quiet, island and I pitch up to take a look," Rose said.

The tortoise is a Free Beacon Man of the Year for his ballsy response to an unexpected case of tortoise interruptus.