Nickname(s): Barry O’Bummer, the Choom Gangsta, Hussein in the Membrane
Occupation: Serial memoirist, nicotine addict, property owner, Netflix producer, secret Muslim, 44th president of the United States
Background: “Born” in “Hawaii” in 1961, B. Hussein Obama moved with his mother at age six to Indonesia and ate dog meat. He returned to Hawaii years later to join the Honolulu-based “choom gang” and experiment with drugs before “enrolling” at Occidental College, followed by Columbia, followed by Harvard Law School. After publishing his first memoir at age 33, Obama worked in the Illinois state government under the tutelage of left-wing terrorist Bill Ayers before getting elected to the U.S. Senate in 2004 and immediately running for president to validate his preternatural self-regard. Mission accomplished.
Hobbies: Hanging out with celebs, drinking wine with “interesting Italians,” and complaining about his wife’s literary success. Being wrong about politics might even be considered one of Obama’s hobbies. In 2016, for example, he backed Hillary Clinton over his own vice president. We all know how that turned out. In 2020, Obama was “enamored” with failed candidate Beto O’Rourke and feared Joe Biden would “dishonor himself” by running. He didn’t even donate to Biden’s campaign.
Hates freedom? Without question.
Why/how? Where to begin? As president Obama relished every opportunity to apologize for American exceptionalism, which he dismissively likened to “British exceptionalism” or “Greek exceptionalism.” His signature move when greeting foreign leaders was the submissive bow. He brazenly lied about whether Americans would be able to keep their doctors following the passage of Obamacare. He repeatedly expressed frustration with the fact that he was merely president of the United States, as opposed to an “emperor” or “dictator” with total authority to decide how the American people should live their lives. Apart from coddling terrorists, his signature foreign policy achievements include presiding over the death of an American ambassador in Benghazi and cozying up to the anti-American regimes in Iran and Cuba.
Claim(s) to shame: Generally speaking, Obama is a pathological narcissist who journalists lustily admired as president because he reminded them so much of themselves and satisfied their overwhelming desire to publicly demonstrate opposition to racism and other bad things. He resented the American people for constantly letting him down, and behaved as though the office of the presidency was beneath him. In March 2014, for example, Obama refused to let Russia’s impending annexation of Crimea spoil his vacation plans. “I needed this,” he told former NBA star Alonzo Mourning and other guests at the Ocean Reef Club in Key Largo. “I needed the golf. I needed to laugh.”
Fun fact(s): Obama is the first former president since Dwight Eisenhower, commander of the D-Day invasion, to compose a multi-volume memoir about his time in office. During the 2012 election, the Choom Gangsta voted for himself at precisely 4:20 p.m.
What’s next? Becoming the first ex-president billionaire, finishing his third memoir, and eventually publishing a 900-page novel that reviewers will unanimously praise as “Holden Caulfield meets Ta-Nehisi Coates … an intellectual call to arms,” because they’ll be too gutless to admit it’s rather tedious and overwrought.