MARTHA'S VINEYARD — If you're reading this, you probably aren't important enough to be invited to the massive party I just threw myself to celebrate my historic existence and countless intellectual contributions to the human canon.
We're all pretty hungover, to be honest. Between LeBron's tequila (a little underwhelming, like his NBA Finals record), Willie Nelson's choom plug, and Hunter Biden's "rocket sauce," we partied pretty hard. If I wasn't a multimillionaire who can afford to hire an army of professional cleaners, my island estate would be a mess. I bought the place from a Democratic donor for $11.75 million in December 2019. Today, it's worth more than $17.5 million. Happy Birthday to me!
Yeah, I know about the global pandemic. I just don't care. What are you worthless plebs going to do about it? Complain about it to all your celebrity friends? Didn't think so. Think the media will care? Good luck finding a journalist who didn't vote for me (twice). I spent more on private security for a single party than you'll make in a lifetime. My stable of financial consultants is bigger than your broke ass family, cousins and all. Think I'm "above the law"? Nah, I am the law.
You think the party was "scaled back"? LOL. That was just an excuse to cull the guest list of undesirables. Do you know how important you have to be to get Jay-Z and Beyoncé to show up at your birthday party? I wasn't going to ruin the experience by having Ben Rhodes following me around all night like a traumatized puppy and whinging about the Iran nuclear deal like a total bitch. And don't get me started on Larry David.
So enjoy your mask mandates and not being able to send your kids back to school in the fall. I hear the teachers' unions are opposed to mandatory vaccines. That's f—ing hilarious. Sometimes I wish I was still president so I could nominate Ibram X. Kendi for secretary of education. Think I care? I went to Columbia and Harvard, I just read an Ishiguro novel, and I'm finishing up the second volume of my bestselling memoir. Nah, just kidding. I've been too busy filling out my NCAA bracket, curating my summer playlist, and planning an epic birthday party for myself.
Look, you tedious peasants, I'll be straight with you. Your indignation at so-called "elites" flaunting their wealth and status during these difficult and uncertain times does not concern me. I'm just trying to enjoy myself and become the first ex-president to become a billionaire after leaving office. (So far, so good.) The way things are progressing with technology, I might even get rich enough to live forever, in which case I'll be sure to throw myself another massive party. I'd really like to invite you, but I wouldn't get your hopes up. You'll probably be dead.
Cry more, pleb.
B. Hussein Obama was the 44th president of the United States. He is consistently ranked as one of the best presidents in American history according to a rating system that is total bullshit, but you idiots will believe anything, won't you?
Published under: Barack Obama