Youth Movement

WFB Ombudsman: Young staff of Free Beacon not combative enough

Occupy Wall Street demonstrators march near Zuccotti Park / AP
October 3, 2013

Youth the penny that bought delight of the moon;

That was the urge that we knew and the language that mattered
That was the debt that we paid to the usurer June.

F. Scott Fitzgerald (Socialist)

I would like to thank readers for your response to my critical assessment of Washington Free Beacon senior writer Adam Kredo. You agreed that Kredo’s reporting too often reflects, in the words of Ruddy L., from Tonga, a "seething hostility toward the American Dream," and is often, in the words of Bev. W., from Clarksville, Tenn., "Freedom-hating, mullah-coddling, Marx-whispering, peace-mongering."

Not only does Kredo remain on staff at the WFB, he was also recently awarded a private office space – a considerable upgrade from the sweaty rumpus of the Free Beacon newsroom. There he will enjoy a sturdy new desk with sliding drawers, complete with a personal phone line with call waiting and other features. He plans to hang a "Puddle of Mudd" poster on the wall. Why not the Gadsden Flag?

Such is the ill discipline when youth are allowed to riot. Last week I went to a Free Beacon party on K Street where alcohol was served. I had been under the mistaken impression that the website was celebrating its new ombudsman. Not so. And though I had been discouraged from bringing a date and was forced to stand outside the private area reserved for the evening, I ended up having a pleasant time before being asked to leave.

The youth of the crowd reminded me of my own salad days in West Germany. We would spend the winters huddling in disused barns, sipping warm lager, reading Playboys the G.I.’s had smuggled onto base, and thrusting imaginary bayonets into the rows of haystacks. It was beautiful.

Life was simpler then. Purer. More conservative. When I was 16, I won the heart of Brigitta, a gentle maiden of the Ardennes. We discovered each other in the wreckage of a Messerschmitt. We would throw rocks at Soviet refugees fleeing the East and nursed a deer back to health by the side of the road. She trusted me, and I betrayed her. I know what it is like to be a buckaroo, grooming the pastures, cursing the clouds in the sky. The difference was: Then we were at war. Cold War.

When I look at the Washington Free Beacon masthead, I see a bunch of kids. I doubt if they were alive to hear Ronald Reagan speak the words that inspired the publication’s name. America is "still a beacon," he said in his farewell address to the nation in 1989. America is "still a magnet for all who must have freedom, for all the pilgrims from all the lost places who are hurtling through the darkness, toward home." Readers tell me that this darkness has come to America and may never recede. Whatever our fate, it will be these kids, these so-called "Millennials," who will determine it.

Are they up to the job? I do not know. In what I suspect is a concerted effort to pander to the liberal masses, the Free Beacon has covered the career of 21-year-old super model Kate Upton. (See: here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.)

I am not opposed. As Vern A. from Cleveland writes: "This may subvert the USA, but I like." But why doesn’t the Free Beacon report on the fact that Upton’s uncle, Rep. Fred Upton (R., Mich.), has failed to defund Obamacare?

Perhaps because that would not play so well in "the demo," as the Free Beacon’s Hollywood blogger Sonny Bunch would say. Despite being in his 30s, Bunch is this website’s most aggressive dispenser of the urban elite lingo and lifestyle. "A derp a WHOA!" he writes in a recent blog post. "A derp a WHAAAAA?"

What does this mean? Is this even American?

There is no doubt in my mind that the liberal culture of the Millennials has affected the highest levels of management at the WFB. And that is worrisome. I would like to share an email I recently received from an anonymous Washington Free Beacon staffer that perfectly illustrates my concerns.

Mr. Diddle,

You should know that the Free Beacon is so liberal, it's affecting employee performance. The eco-fascists who run the place are so dedicated to Saving the Planet and Reducing Our Carbon Footprint that there's barely any air conditioning.

I guess they want us to experience what Global Climate Change really feels like. It's so hot in the office that employees are forced to drink ice-cold malt beverages so they can concentrate, which would be easier to do if they hadn’t unplugged the fridge to save power. It says ‘Center for American Freedom’ on the door, but inside the office it's more like the Center for American Body Odor.

Please help,

Sweaty Ted

Do not worry, Sweaty Ted. I hear you. And so does America. And soon, you will sweat no more.

Published under: Humor , Parody