Earlier this week, Politico blogger and spirit wanderer Dylan Byers rocked the Twitterverse with news that Washington Free Beacon digital managing editor Katherine Miller is jumping ship, accepting a plush gig at the Manhattan headquarters of BuzzFeed, the left-wing news and cat fetishist website.
It’s as I suspected. Miller is acting her age. She and her soon-to-be former WFB colleagues are not the "hyper-conservative" provocateurs Byers makes them out to be. And once the rest of the lame-stream media figures that out, will there be anything to stop the entire Free Beacon staff from forsaking the cause of combat journalism, moving to the heart of Hell, and posting corgi GIFs online?
What I am talking about is this: The WFB has been derelict in its coverage of the one thing giving true conservatives hope in these trying times: Louis Buller "Louie" Gohmert, Jr., congressman from Texas.
Unlike most Free Beacon employees, who spend their free time trying on jeans, watching movies with subtitles, and "enjoying" soccer, I pal around with real Americans. Just the other night I was over at my buddy Ken’s place, watching Rizzoli & Isles on DVD and drinking Keystone Light with a solid crew of patriots we met at the recent Values Voter Summit in Washington, DC. And maybe it was the suds talking, but we were in a Gohmert state of mind.
Who can blame us? Gohmert is consistently rated as one of the most conservative members of Congress. He has sponsored legislation that would allow lawmakers to carry guns on the House floor. Not only does he want to defund Obamacare, he wants to defund President Obama’s golf game. He was the only congressman who voted against a bill to prohibit the use of the term "lunatic" in federal law. This is a man I can stand behind.
The question raging in conservative circles is not should Louie Gohmert run for higher office. Rather, the question is which higher office should he seek?
Most agree that a White House run in 2016 is the most plausible option, but others say mounting a primary challenge against Sen. Ted Cruz (R., Texas) in 2018 would be the savvier move from a tactical perspective. Needless to say, we would have to revisit this strategy when Cruz is elected president in 2016.
It concerns me that the Free Beacon appears to have no interest in covering a political groundswell of this magnitude. We did run an article about the personal tours of the Capitol that Gohmert leads for his constituents—an article written, I should point out, by reporter Andrew Evans, who recently left the Free Beacon for National Affairs, a "quarterly journal of essays" edited by RINO wonk Yuval Levin.
However, when I searched the Free Beacon website for common phrases such as "Gohmert for president," "Gohmert in 2016," and "Gohmert should primary Ted Cruz," I found nothing.
All of this Gohmert chatter takes me back to the autumn of 1993. I was kicking around the Balkans at the time, doing some light mercenary work, and wound up in Mostar, Bosnia, at the height of the siege. A band of Albanian gypsies smuggled me through a Croat checkpoint by strapping me to the belly of mule. The mule did not survive.
Following an annulled marriage to the niece of a local strongman, I settled in with a hardy clan of Bosniak teens. "Born with AK-47s in our hands," they used to joke in broken Russian, in between sips of warm "mudshine," the makeshift spirit of the resistance. Once a fortnight we would snake through town under cover of darkness to meet up with our supplier Zlatan, always at a different, pre-arranged location.
Zlatan and his associate Ermin grew up playing handball with some of the mid-ranking Serbian military brass, non-ideological types who looked the other way if a supply drop came in underweight. The Serbs were well compensated, of course, and Zlatan made a hefty profit in a most hellish business environment—one rivaled only by President Barack Hussein Obama’s economy.
Zlatan, Ermin, the mule, and I called these supply wagons "Go Marts." They were nothing more than a rudimentary carriage with old hubcaps for wheels, filled to the brim with vodka, cigarettes, Russian mortar rounds, goat’s milk, propane, and French pornography. "Go Marts" were our Amazon.com. The supplies they carried ensured that the besieged populace never lost hope, even when the Croats shelled the Old Bridge. And the city held.
What is the greatest threat to Freedom?
a) Barack Obama
d) People who take pictures of food
e) Username 5tarzN5tripz, who won’t return my messages on ChristianMingle.com
Email me your answers! RT if you agree with Biff!
Published under: Humor , Louie Gohmert , Parody