Good News for Hillary Clinton 2020


September 24, 2019

The Democratic primary is a three-way race, at least among declared candidates. There is one battle-tested candidate still on the sidelines who could enter the race at any time and wrest her party's nomination from the likes of former vice president Joe Biden, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D., Mass.), or Sen. Bernie Sanders (I., Vt.). Her name is Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Recent developments suggest that such a scenario could be more likely than the so-called experts are willing to admit.

For starters, the Daily Beast reports that former Hillary Clinton campaign aides are giving "advice" to the Biden campaign on how to run against Donald Trump. Sounds awfully suspect, given that the only advice Biden needs is, "don't be Hillary Clinton." If Team Biden takes the bait, Clinton could succeed in kneecapping the frontrunner, thus clearing the way for her entry into the race. It wouldn't be the first time she "took someone out."

If Hillary is going to win the nomination in 2020, she'll have to enhance her woefully insufficient stamina in order to avoid embarrassing gaffes, such as coughing too much or falling down in public. Fortunately, technological innovation may have found a solution. Introducing the LEX bionic chair, a pair of foldable aluminum legs that can be strapped to the seat of one's pantsuit and provide an instant reprieve for elderly candidates struggling to meet the physical demands of the campaign trail.

In other stamina news, this 86-year-old stud is still playing rugby in Japan. Ryuichi Nagayama has suffered numerous setbacks throughout his playing career, including a broken collarbone, several fractured ribs, even an irregular heartbeat, but that hasn't kept him off the pitch. "I can't stand not playing," he said. By comparison, Hillary Clinton is only 71 years old. Will she be able to stand, literally and figuratively, "not playing" in 2020?

All of this amounts to great news for Hillary Clinton's political prospects in 2020. Biden looks wobbly, and Clinton's rival from the 2016 campaign, Bernie Sanders, is struggling to stay relevant. Donald Trump's first term in office has been an epically entertaining saga thus far. What better way to cap it off than by bringing back a major character from the early episodes and setting up what is sure to be the most highly rated rematch in American history?