FACT CHECK: A Koch Brothers Utopia Would Be Like Heaven on Earth

Nerd virgins can't handle the truth

Welcome to paradise.
September 24, 2014

What would America look like if the Koch brothers were in charge? American Bridge, a George Soros-funded outfit recently described by Democratic strategist Paul Begala as an army of "nerd virgins" who have never tasted alcohol or gotten laid, thinks it would be pretty awful.

LIE: The Koch brothers kill bald eagles.


FACT: This is an egregious falsehood that clearly seeks to whitewash the Obama administration’s bloodstained record. For years, President Obama has waged a ruthless genocide against the majestic bald eagle, enlisting weaponized "green energy" devices such as wind turbines.

Here’s how a spokesman for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) described the carnage in a statement to the Free Beacon in 2012:"Birds are smacked out of the air by the blades of high-speed wind turbines and are killed or horribly injured." Biologists estimate that wind turbines are responsible for more than 300,000 horrific bird deaths each year.

Obama even celebrated Independence Day by giving California wind farms permission to kill even more innocent birds with impunity. He has also deployed solar death rays to maximize bird casualties. According to Bloomberg, bald eagles flying over massive solar farms are either "incinerated in flight; their feather are singed, causing them to fall to their deaths; or they are too injured to fly and are killed on the ground by predators."

Environmental justice? Or senseless murder?
Environmental justice? Or senseless murder?

LIE: Living in a Kochtopia would be a miserable experience akin to being a bald eagle suffering under Obama's reign of terror.

FACT: Living in a world controlled by Charles and David Koch would be awesome. People would have more freedom, and would be able to achieve a level of happiness and fulfillment that is currently impossible under Obama's failed regime. Even liberals would eventually learn to love it.

Same-sex marriage would be legal everywhere, as would marijuana. Opera and other fine arts would enjoy a charitable funding windfall. Museums would flourish. Energy would be cheaper, and starting a business would be much easier thanks to the lack of onerous regulations favored by nerd virgins. More people would have jobs, including all the new immigrants who would be welcomed with open arms. There would be no lobbyists, because government would be so small and powerless that it wouldn't be worth the effort. Bald eagles would fill the skies and fly majestically. No longer would they fear a gruesome death at the hands of an eco-tyrant.

One potential downside, from a liberal perspective, would be the abundance of well-funded hospitals and cancer research centers. Liberals may never realize their dream of installing European-style waiting lists for basic care. They would inevitably grumble about the fact that all children would have access to a quality education, regardless of race or economic status.

On the other hand, the surge of savings and investment under Koch-style capitalism would produce the innovation necessary to solve "climate change" within the next decade. That's a fact. Deal with it.