30 Condemnable Acts House Democrats Should Add to Their "Anti-Hate" Resolution

March 7, 2019

Rather than vote to condemn freshman Rep. Ilhan Omar (D., Minn.) for her habitual displays of anti-Semitism, House Democrats are preparing to vote on a bold, all-encompassing "anti-hate" resolution.

In other words, a meaningless display of watered-down criticism masquerading as vague "wokeness" — the sort of feel-good declaration that is typically confined to student councils or those pioneering city governments that are always trying to join the Geneva Convention or the Paris Climate Accord.

The Democrat Party's bizarre decision, in response to the surprisingly aggressive pushback from Rep. Omar's defenders, raises a number of questions, namely: Why stop at "hate" alone? Aren't there plenty of other deplorable acts and emotions worth condemning?

The answer is yes. Here are 30 additional items House Democrats should consider including in their resolution.

1. People who walk too slowly in public

Get out of the way, moron!

2. Soccer "injuries"

No one has ever sustained an actual injury playing soccer. On your feet, crybaby! It's disrespectful to the fans.

3. Soccer "fans"

Pretending to be cultured by enjoying a sport that America doesn't absolutely dominate on the world stage is tantamount to treason, and it's time to get serious and start treating it as such.

4. Clothing requirements on airplanes

It's your seat! You paid for it!

5. Journalists who tweet about air travel

Learn to code, and maybe you'll get rich enough to afford a private jet. Until then, no one cares. Shut up!

6. The phrase "just kidding"

It's the classic "bully's retreat," where verbal assailants take refuge. If it's not immediately obvious that you're actually kidding, don't say it!

7. Movies with flawed protagonists

I think we can all agree: "Gran Torino" would have been a much more inspiring artistic achievement if Clint Eastwood's character had died in prison after being prosecuted for racial harassment.

8. Movies with sympathetic villains

How many people who watched "The Americans" found themselves wishing that the Russians had won the Cold War? Enough to fill a second Guantanamo, probably!

9. The New England Patriots


10. Andy Borowitz

(Same reason)

11. The libelous propaganda campaign against the Church of Scientology

Hate and bigotry of all forms must be condemned.

12. TruckNutz

Gross! There are far more tasteful ways to celebrate the male genitalia.

13. People who run marathons

Fat shame much?

14. Anti-anti-Semitism

Do you hate anti-Semites? Congratulations, you're still a hater.

15. People who aren't totally cool with trans women dominating women's athletics

Get over it!

16. Saying "All Hate Matters"

No, it doesn't!

17. The phrase "dunking on"

It's pretty offensive to basketball players who have been dunked on in real life.

18. Maps of "Israel"

They're pretty offensive to anti-Semites.

19. Making fun of Coldplay

We get it. You're cool and trendy. Find a new angle!

20. Having a favorite member of the Diamond & Silk duo

They're a package deal, at least until Silk strikes out on her own and escapes the smothering confines of Diamond's shadow. Preference is bigotry!

21. People who passive aggressively hold doors open for you even though you're like 20 yards away, and guilt you into an awkward half-jog to repay their unnecessary politeness

You know who you are.

22. Criticizing the victims of fake hate crimes

Would you still be criticizing them if the crime actually happened? Didn't think so.

23. Indifference

Hate's introverted companion.

24.  Heterosexuals

Branch out!

25. Criticizing people who don't flush toilets

Maybe they're just trying to save water!

26. Porn

It's exploitative!

27. People who don't like porn

It's liberating!

28. Comedy that doesn't "make a difference"

If you're laughing, you're not learning.

29. William H. Macy

He knows why.

30. Shape-shifting Jews who secretly control the world through international finance and kinetic brain waves

Because they're the one who started this dumb debate in the first place!