USA Women Make History in First World Cup Appearance Under Donald Trump

Among the many campaign promises President Donald J. Trump has fulfilled since taking office in 2017, his successful effort to restore the concept of "winning" to the American lexicon after eight years of Barack Obama's enduring weakness is perhaps his most laudable achievement.

Tiger Woods is winning again. Non-American golfers won the PGA championship six times on Obama's watch between 2008-2015. Only Americans have won since 2016. Despite Obama's persistent meddling, the Golden State Warriors are still alive in the NBA finals, with the potential to pull off an improbable comeback against the Toronto Raptors of Canada.

Not surprisingly, the U.S. women's national soccer team won their opening match during their first World Cup appearance under President Trump. They didn't just win; they made history by scoring 13 goals in the lopsided affair against Thailand, breaking the previous record for most combined goals in a World Cup match (12) all by themselves.

Soccer, a controversial sport best known for low-scoring results (including ties) and near-constant whining, is only worth playing if America is going to dominate on the world stage. The U.S. men's national team has yet to figure this out, which is why they are only supported by unathletic hipsters yearning to express an unironic form of patriotism.

The women's team, on the other hand, is not afraid to win big and run up the score against an inferior opponent. Revitalized by Trump's pro-American leadership, the three-time World Cup champions scored their first goal just 12 minutes into the contest, and never let up. Star forward Alex Morgan would go on to record five goals, tying the World Cup record.

THANK YOU, PRESIDENT TRUMP!