NERD ALERT: Democrat Senate Candidate Likes Magic the Gathering, Was First Male Cheerleader at Yale

NARC ALERT: Failed candidate arrested in college for lighting box of Lucky Charms on fire to get 'revenge' on neighbors smoking weed

April 3, 2023

What happened? Lucas Kunce, the twice-failed politician running in the Democratic primary for U.S. Senate in Missouri, is a massive nerd and a tattling little narc, the Washington Free Beacon has learned.

Lucas Kunce? Yeah, Lucas Kunce. He's one of those droids the Democratic Party wheels out every cycle to run against incumbent Republicans in red states.

What do you mean? He's a white male, Ivy League grad (Yale and Columbia), military veteran (Marine Corps lawyer), abortion flip-flopper, director at a think tank funded by a left-wing billionaire, and his Southern accent is fake as hell.

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And a massive nerd, right? Absolutely.

How so? He plays Magic: The Gathering.

Seriously? Yes. Check out this Twitter thread from February in which Kunce asks other nerds for advice about one of his "decks" or whatever.

"The swamp might be better as a second Takenuma to get back more Jace for the win," wrote the nerd. "Same with Otawara, as bouncing Jace has a similar effect."

Wow. I know.

What else? Kunce became the first male cheerleader at Yale in 2003. "It was fun," he told the Yale Daily News in 2006. Kunce was being interviewed because he was preparing to run for the Missouri House of Representatives at 24 years old—the minimum age of eligibility.

Pete Buttigieg vibes? Definitely. Check out this glowing profile Politico magazine published in 2021 during Kunce's first campaign for U.S. Senate.

He lost, right? He didn't even win the Democratic primary. Despite endorsements from Sen. Bernie Sanders (I., Vt.) and the actor Jon Hamm, Kunce was handily defeated by beer heiress Trudy Busch Valentine, who would go on to lose the general election by more than 13 percentage points.

So he's a nerd, a loser, and a narc? You're damn right. Turns out Kunce was arrested at Yale, but not for the reasons most people get arrested in college.

What happened? The Yale Daily News reports that Kunce was arrested "for throwing a burning box of Lucky Charms out into the snow."

What? I know.

Why did he do that? Kunce and his roommates were "angered by the smell of marijuana constantly wafting up to their suite from the floor below," so they "decided to get revenge by lighting the box [of Lucky Charms] on fire and letting the smoky smell seep into the room beneath them."

Wow, that's pretty lame. I know. Narcs are the worst.

They really are. Who would ever vote for this guy? Democrats.

Sure, but he's never going to win a general election in Missouri is he? Almost certainly not. Droid candidates like Kunce rarely win, and Missouri is a solidly Republican state. Former president Donald Trump beat President Joe Biden by more than 15 percentage points in 2020.

Then why is he running? Kunce and the Democratic Party are probably trying to boost his profile, but they also want to make sure Democratic voters don't nominate a lunatic or (even worse) a black woman.

Isn't that what happened in North Carolina in 2020? Precisely. Sen. Chuck Schumer (D., N.Y.) backed generic white droid Cal Cunningham over accomplished black woman Erica Smith—a poor decision in retrospect.

Besides Kunce, who else is running in the Democratic primary? A community activist named December Harmon. See below:

Oh, I see. Yeah.

Well, thanks for the explanation. My pleasure.

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