Today is Election Day. Who's going to win? Trump? Harris? Nobody knows. It might be very close, or maybe not. God willing, we'll have an answer by the end of the night. Until then, please enjoy this definitive preview (and insightful recap) of the 2024 presidential election.
If Harris Wins: The mainstream media are going to congratulate themselves for saving democracy. For many journalists, it will be the best thing that will ever happen to them for the rest of their miserable lives. Eventually, reality will set in as their companies continue to hemorrhage money in the post-Trump era. They won't know what to do when their mostly liberal readers and viewers have no interest in hearing or reading about why House Republicans are a bunch of fascists for voting down the Harris-Schumer Common Sense Solutions Act of 2025. Harris will be so obnoxious and ineffectual as president, there might be rumblings of a Hillary Clinton primary challenge or coup. We'll never find out what she actually believes, and we'll spend another four years wondering who is actually running the country. China will definitely invade Taiwan.
If Trump Wins: Millions of college degree holders will suffer debilitating mental breakdowns. We'll witness a collective tantrum the likes of which the world has never known. The media will run a bunch of headlines about how American voters "chose fascism" because they "hate women." A bunch of celebrities will insist they were serious about leaving the country but never follow through beyond changing their official residences to some offshore tax haven. Journalists will anoint themselves again as guardians of democracy, only harder. Their behavior will grow increasingly unhinged, perhaps to the point where they start doing sit-ins on the White House lawn or reading the Constitution in a Guy Fawkes mask or quitting their jobs to go live on a compound with armed separatists in California. No one will ever ask Kamala Harris to run for public office ever again.
How We Got Here, Part 1: The Sick Man of Scranton
President Joe Biden, sometimes referred to as Sleepy Joe, insisted on running for a second term. So did Donald Trump, the former president. Rather adorably, in retrospect, there were a lot of people who thought Ron DeSantis, the popular Republican governor of Florida, could beat Trump in the GOP primary. In the end, no one stood a chance.
There was plenty of speculation that Biden would not seek reelection. The Washington Free Beacon, among many others, including the vast majority of Americans, grew increasingly concerned that the 81-year-old president was physically and mentally unfit to serve another four years in office. We started documenting Biden's senior moments on a weekly basis back in July 2022. In September of that year, he attempted to converse with a dead congresswoman. By June 2023, Biden was terrifying Democratic donors with his "frighteningly awful" behavior at fundraisers.
Nevertheless, he persisted. Dean Phillips, a Democratic congressman from Minnesota, mounted a noble but ultimately fruitless primary challenge. Stuck with Biden, Democrats and their media allies circled the wagons. Anyone who questioned his ability to keep serving until age 86 was dismissed as a right-wing freak. Among his most passionate defenders was Vice President Kamala Harris, who effectively seized the nomination on June 27, when Biden shuffled onto a CNN debate stage with Trump and said, "We finally beat Medicare."
Debate Recap: We Need To Talk About Grandpa
How We Got Here, Part 2: From the Ashes, a Phoenix Fails Upward
The media stopped defending Biden after the debate. Not out of contrition for having shrugged off concerns about his age for years, but out of panic once it became clear the American people were never going to reelect his geezer ass. A bunch of low-level Democrats started calling for Biden to drop out, but none of the party's key figures—least of all Barack Obama—had the guts to make a move until former House speaker Nancy Pelosi (presumably) threatened to throw Biden's entire family in prison, even the ones who hadn't committed any felonies yet. Whatever she did, it worked. Biden bowed out and endorsed Harris, sparing the party a divisive primary that would have boosted Trump's chances even more by reminding voters of all the crazy nonsense Democrats believe. He was praised as a selfless hero, even though he wasn't.
Harris launched her candidacy with "vibes" and "joy." She was hailed as "brat," whatever that means. (Eighty percent of Americans had no idea.) Following in Biden's footsteps, she chose a low-skilled running mate from a pivotal demographic who would never outshine her—Tim Walz, the Minnesota governor and serial fabulist who is weirdly obsessed with China and dances like a little girl. Harris avoided the media for as long as possible, and the media didn't seem to mind. Their primary job was defending democracy from Trump, not making his opponent look bad by forcing her to answer questions and explain her views to the American people.
When the interviews finally happened, they did not go well. Harris demonstrated a remarkable talent for using an abundance of words to say absolutely nothing. In her own way, she articulated the importance of recognizing what needs to be done in terms of doing the work around understanding that we, the American people, have dreams and aspirations that involve choosing the choice, which is our choice to choose to turn the page on divisiveness, and writing a new chapter that brings to the table a new generation of leadership, one that comes from building each other up, rather than tearing each other down, which I intend to follow as president of the United States, growing up as I did in a middle-class household and loving small business, which are as you know the backbone of the economy, what I like to call the opportunity economy, because the price of groceries is still too high, and I'm a big believer in fixing problems, rather than breaking them.
Artless Dodger: Harris Flustered in Substance-Free 60 Minutes Interview
Even a talented politician would have struggled to answer some of the most obvious questions Harris faced when journalists eventually got around to asking them. When and why did she stop believing all the radical stuff she said during her disastrous primary campaign in 2019? Why is your administration so unpopular and why haven't you already solved any of the problems you're talking about now? Why did you pretend that Joe Biden was fit to serve another four years when he clearly wasn't? Harris, who is not a talented politician, struggled with easy questions in friendly settings. She still hasn't come up with a coherent explanation of what she would do differently as president compared to Biden.
Lacking the ability to craft a better narrative, Harris pivoted to fascism. Doing what comes naturally, the media and their Democratic allies shrieked obnoxiously while comparing Trump to Adolf Hitler and his supporters to Nazis. That message didn't poll so well, probably because Democrats have compared practically every Republican politician—even Mitt Romney—to Hitler at some point, and no one takes them seriously any more. So Harris pivoted again to "unity" and being friends with Liz Cheney. She vowed to be a "president for all Americans"—even the Republicans previously accused of being Hitler—during a primetime address on the National Mall. No one remembers that speech because Biden called Trump supporters "garbage." He did this on a Zoom call with activists that Democrats refer to as "Latino" now because they finally realized how crazy they sounded using "Latinx" all the time. Days later, Biden bit several babies at the White House Halloween party.
How We Got Here, Part 3: Orange Man Bleeds Red
Trump, meanwhile, was almost assassinated. Remember that? July 13. Biden hadn't even dropped out yet, and Trump hadn't even announced J.D. Vance, the senator from Ohio, as his running mate. The Secret Service proved that even one of the most respected groups of government employees is capable of breathtaking incompetence, though several agents did play supporting roles in some of the most iconic photos in the history of American politics. Naturally, the media condemned the epic photos as "dangerous" propaganda and stopped using them. They accused Trump of inciting violence against himself. They did it again when Trump was almost assassinated a second time in September, even though the suspected gunman was a deranged liberal who appeared to have been radicalized by Ben Rhodes and other MSNBC contributors.
When Trump had some fun serving fries at McDonald's, the media responded by losing their minds. As if terrified that Americans might actually believe Trump had taken a job at McDonald's in his spare time, journalists spent several days fact-checking the "campaign stunt." They were far less interested in the facts surrounding Harris's relatively recent claim to have worked at McDonald's, even though most Americans don't believe her. Trump began the campaign as a "convicted felon." He ended the campaign wearing a bright orange safety vest and riding around in a garbage truck.
The Trump Flex: The Promise and Perils of a Confident Campaign
Whatever Happens: Biden has less than three months left to fulfill his campaign promise of curing cancer. (Yes, that actually happened.) "I promise you if I'm elected president, you're going to see the single most important thing that changes America, we're gonna cure cancer," Biden said shortly after announcing his candidacy in June 2019. You can do it, Joe! (He can't, actually, but he can pardon his son, convicted felon Hunter Biden.)
Bottom line: It's going to be OK.
