The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Twitter account is a valuable resource. I am but one man, surveying the landscape of empowered women from local reporters to beauty queens to congressional candidates, and I am grateful for the service the account provides. So it was to my dismay that it tweeted the following late this morning:
Morning Swim: All's quiet on the model front, for now . . . http://t.co/33JsRnWOd4
— SI Swimsuit (@SI_Swimsuit) February 26, 2014
This is not the Hindenburg Line. This is the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, a vital part of the United States economy, a growth engine responsible for critical scientific research and christening new U.S. citizens.
Today I conducted an analysis of the 2014 swimsmokes sandwiched in between the front page troika and Kate Upton. Like the contents of the Clinton Presidential Library, there are hundreds of swimsmokes unseen by the general public, and there needs to be someone with the gumption and cognitive ability to study and interpret the data. That someone is me.
My analysis: swimsmokes love animals.
Jessica Gomes
Model / marlin angler Jessica is the voice of Rick Ross' label Maybach Music Group.
Her four hands allow her to literally grapple fish from the deep.
Genevieve Morton
Genevieve was the face of the 2010 World Cup in her native South Africa. I'd like to propose a South African model cage match between Genevieve and fellow countrywoman Candice Swanepoel. Imagine the pay per view receipts.
My money is on Genevieve and her posse of cheetahs. Fastest land animal on the planet don't play. Though I hear Candice's fellow Angel Cara Delevingne can get pretty feisty at New York Knicks games.
Ariel Meredith
Ariel can herd a lot more than goats.
When Ariel's career began, her first agency requested that she get breast reduction surgery. She declined. And let us say: Amen.
Emily Didonato
Now we know who let the dogs out.
Yesterday was Emily's 23rd birthday. This year the United States of America turns the big 238. Happy belated birthday Emily! Happy Birthday America!
Samantha Hoopes
2014 marks Samantha Hoopes first year of being featured in Sports Illustrated. Even though she's a proud Nittany Lion, there is nary a photograph that includes the majestic beast and Samantha.
But she made up for this by playing like an animal in the SI swimsmoke volleyball game.
