Satire

Journos Against Freedom: Media Elites Air Grievances, Conspiracy Theories in Response to Fireworks

With July 4 fast approaching, fireworks are going off in major cities across the country. Our nation's journalists are all over this important story—no, not by doing actual journalism to discover the truth. Rather, they're posting complaints and conspiracy theories on Twitter.

Most of the journos are just mad that their professional ambitions require them to live in major cities that are often loud. But also, they and their fellow liberal celebrities would like you to know that they have a rescue dog with special needs, which proves they are a good person.

Other journos decided—based on nothing—that the fireworks must be part of a sinister government conspiracy. Pulitzer Prize-winning New York Times journalist Nikole Hannah-Jones shared a Twitter thread suggesting the fireworks were part of a "coordinated attack on Black and Brown communities by government forces; an attack meant to disorient and destabilize the #BlackLivesMatter movement."

According to this conspiracy theory, as articulated by Brooklyn author Robert Jones Jr, the government is providing large stockpiles of fireworks to young people in minority communities as part of a police-approved effort to "retaliate against our calls to defund/abolish the police by creating the circumstances for a continuous public nuisance and then purposely failing to respond to it."

Prominent left-wing activist DeRay Mckesson also promoted Jones's theory, which noted liberal contrarian Jesse Singal argued was "incredibly irresponsible on every level." April Reign, creator of the #OscarsSoWhite hashtag, said it wouldn't surprise her if "the folks who are either supplying and/or setting off the fireworks every night are the same ones who magically made bricks appear when no construction site was nearby so folks could take part in property damage" during the protests inspired by the death of George Floyd.

Asha Rangappa, a CNN legal analyst and former FBI agent, agreed the firework activity in major cities was "starting to feel not so random." While most media figures have been content to complain and promote conspiracies, others are determined to find the truth. P.E. Moskowitz, for example, a "journalist/communist" with a Twitter account, announced an investigation into "whether the extreme increase in fireworks is indeed a government program." So stay tuned.

You probably didn't need any more evidence that journalists hate America and freedom, but here it is. Enjoy setting off your fireworks while you still can, before the journalists and other libs get what they want and Independence Day is either banned or rebranded as a day of silence to honor the courage of media elites and celebrities who adopted special-needs pets, and helped expose the biggest government conspiracy since 9/11.