Satire

How to Celebrate July 4 Without Getting Canceled for Glorifying White Supremacy

10 things to avoid this holiday weekend

The United States of America turns 244 this weekend. Normally that would be cause for celebration, but not anymore, now that the prevailing cultural sentiment demands that athletes issue statements to explain why they didn't take a knee during the national anthem.

If you plan on celebrating—or even acknowledging—the signing of the Declaration of Independence, an archaic and confusing document that promotes violence, please be mindful not to invite cancellation by "glorifying white supremacy."

That's how the Democratic National Committee described President Donald Trump's plan to attend a fireworks display at Mount Rushmore. So that's definitely off limits. But here are a few suggestions for other things to avoid this holiday weekend.

American Flags — Despite their common usage in July 4 celebrations, it is advisable to refrain from flying the American flag given its close association to the United States of America, a country founded on British colonialism, genocide, and tax evasion. If you must incorporate the stars and stripes into your festivities, consider adding a 51st star to show your support for D.C. statehood and the hundreds of disenfranchised journalists forced to reside there.

Hot Dogs — Offensively phallic and bad for the environment, hot dogs are often consumed at baseball stadiums. John Rocker, a confirmed racist, used to play baseball in those very stadiums.

Blackface — Unless you are an elected Democrat, it's best to avoid blatant displays of racism, cultural appropriation, or bad taste, especially in a public setting where journalists might be present.

Alcoholic Beverages — Alcohol is the gas fueling the engine of America's demonstrably pro-rape culture. Brett Kavanaugh liked beer, and still does. Joe Biden doesn't drink. Enough said.

Friends and Family — Remember the time your Uncle Strickland tried to mansplain the Constitution at Thanksgiving? He was probably too drunk to remember and has an even better lecture planned for Independence Day. Don't bother printing out those Vox.com articles, just avoid the family cookout altogether. There will be another funeral soon enough.

Hitler-Themed Costume Parties — If you are going to host a costume party this weekend, consider picking a theme that has nothing to do with America or the Fourth of July. But don't go crazy. A Hitler-themed costume party would also be problematic.

Bodies of Water — Slaves came to the United States on ships, which sailed on bodies of water commonly referred to as oceans. Bodies of water also feature prominently in the persecution of so-called "witches." Mark Twain's racist novel, Huckleberry Finn, is set in a fictional town on the banks of the Mississippi River, a famous body of water.

Entertainment Independence Day starring Harry Connick Jr. is a popular choice this time of year, but no major studio would bring it to market these days due to the Chinese military's nonexistent role in defeating the alien invaders. Harvey Weinstein didn't produce it, but he did produce a lot of other movies. In addition, the vast majority of stand-up comedy specials were filmed before 2019, and can be disregarded. Better safe than sorry.

Walls — Because walls denote exclusion and oppression, and have come to symbolize President Trump's violent anti-Latinx agenda, steer clear of walls this weekend. Floors are fine, but ceilings are more problematic, given their association with inequality and Hillary Clinton's failed presidential campaign.

Being Kind to Your Neighbors — They might be racist, so don't bother.

Oh, and most importantly, remember to have fun!