There's something wrong with Gavin Newsom. Americans recoiled in horror, then squinted in fascination at the images of Newsom's appearance at the New York Times Dealbook Summit. There he was, the greaseball California governor, sitting in a chair with his legs crossed impossibly tight, protruding akimbo at improbable angles like a human swastika, a wanton display of "testicle-crushing" contortion. It was the opposite of manspreading, the inverse of kink-splaying, yet Newsom's gnarled pose, his tangled appendages—like a steel-beamed hedgehog standing guard at Omaha Beach—still managed to intrude upon the public space in a way that many found unsettling.
Newsom baffled experts who assessed that his posture appeared to defy the conventional scientific understanding of the human form. Gender scholars were just as perplexed. Several noted that Newsom, despite being born a male, was exhibiting a form of self-compressed emasculation or "crotch clench," while conveying an unmistakably female-coded body language. Political historians argued that Newsom's unusual posture was characteristic of failed candidates and sniveling cowards. It was, these experts contended, the seated equivalent of former President Obama's obsequious bow.
That is why American voters could never trust Newsom to stand up to "wide-stance" authoritarian rivals such as Vladimir Putin or Xi Jinping.
He is certainly no match for Donald Trump, and no amount of snarky tweets is going to change that.
Newsom would be more effective negotiating with politicians who share his feminine mannerisms.
The optics are horrendous. Newsom looks like a child whenever he sits down next to a grown man with masculine energy.
Even a more feminine-coded man such as LeBron James makes Newsom look childish by comparison.
In all seriousness, what is going on here?
If we're being charitable, we might describe Newsom's seated posture as "resembling a mannish lesbian."
If we're being uncharitable, we'd note the alarming postural similarities between Newsom and Adolf Hitler.
According to science, the Nazi dictator most likely had a micropenis and undescended testicles.
Bottom line: It's one of many reasons why Newsom will never be president.
