Hello, readers. Over the past 24 hours, I've received hundreds of your emails, letters, texts, DMs, snaps, voicemails, and Tinder pokes about the Washington Free Beacon's report on the Tesla scandal involving Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D., N.Y.).
Most of you didn't have anything interesting to say and just wanted to vent about spoiled grandchildren who are too busy riding their longboards to the discotheque to like the meme you just posted on Facebook. I couldn't care less, quite honestly.
Several readers, however, offered some insightful comments and questions about the AOC Tesla scandal and the reaction on social media. In accordance with the legally binding conditions in my Free Beacon employment contract, I will answer them in the space below.
Matt G. writes:
I'm interested to hear your thoughts on the relative moral depravity of driving a Tesla versus riding a bicycle? It goes without saying that both things are abominations and utterly incompatible with the values on which America was founded, but which is worse?
Thank you for the fantastic question. As far as I'm concerned, if it doesn't "roll coal," it's not really a car. The only benefit I can think of is the quiet engine, which may or may not make it easier to sneak up on filthy cyclists and run them off the road where they belong.
On the advice of counsel representing me in pending litigation, and in accordance with my constitutional rights under the Fifth Amendment, I have no further comment.
Brent S. writes:
Greetings, Mr. Ombudsman. I love my son very much. At least, I think I do. Keith Olbermann recently suggested otherwise on Twitter, and now I'm wondering if I really am an "asshole" who doesn't "actually give a shit" about my child's future. Should I buy a Tesla like AOC to prove my fatherly love to the world?
Hey, Brent. Save your money. Keith Olbermann doesn't give a shit about you or your son. The closest he has ever come to being a father figure is the time he dated a much younger Katy Tur. You might be a stupid asshole, but the world is going to be just fine.
Sarah F. writes:
Hey, Biff! What are your thoughts on gender equity in America? Do you think it's a refreshing development that a lady bartender from the Bronx can generate as much media attention for illegally parking her car as a certified Alpha Male™ like Dr. Sebastian Gorka?
As it so happens, I was speaking to my financial adviser the other day. She's a woman, by the way, and keeps telling me I need more "equity" and "diversity" in my portfolio. That's why I fired her, and sold half my bullion holdings to invest in GorkaCoin. I hope that answers your question.
Stephen G. writes:
Dear Biff, I was recently fired by the Free Beacon for using a company laptop to purchase sustainably sourced ammunition for my side business training libs how to handle a firearm without soiling themselves. Here's my question: Do you think it's possible to have too many guns?
Sorry, Steve. I don't answer stupid questions. Good riddance.
Yelena B. writes:
Biffka, you never respond my many voicemail. I am miss you very much and also the making love in bed, on ferris wheel, and next to prosthetic factory. Are you miss me? Doctors say I am with baby again. Please contact ASAP. Love and kisses!