Hillary Clinton's Youth Outreach

June 7, 2016

The Hillary Clinton campaign has been unsuccessful at connecting with the nation’s youth despite concerted outreach efforts by the candidate, age 68, and her wizened surrogates.

Clinton has lost the youth vote to a spry and dashing socialist, Bernie Sanders, by between 50 to 70 points in most primary contests. She has racked up huge deficits with young people despite her fire Snapchat game and online store, which sells election-themed flash tats for the festival-going, basic Clinton supporter.

Part of Clinton’s problem with young people is that her surrogates and supporters are cranky old people who probably buy the cell phones with extra-large buttons advertised in print magazines.

While Clinton has a few notable young supporters, including millennial heartthrobs Katy Perry and Lena Dunham, they have only campaigned intermittently on her behalf, often for money.

Clinton’s devoted flacks and surrogates are mostly old as the hills, and it shows.

"They have to behave and not cause trouble," said Clinton supporter and cranky elder statesman Ed Rendell, age 72, about Sanders’ young supporters.

"You can’t just ‘diss’ everybody who supports Hillary Clinton," said Clinton supporter Sen. Barbara Boxer (D., Calif.), age 75, appropriating the rapper lingo so common among the youths.

Even Brian Fallon, Clinton’s doe-eyed national press secretary, has one foot in the grave at age thirty-something.

Clinton has had trouble raising support from young people ahead of the six Democratic primaries held today, June 7.

Even Bill Clinton, who once stimulated young people, can't seem to get it up. His campaign appearances on Hillary’s behalf have led to high-profile confrontations between him and young activists angry about his welfare and criminal justice reforms from the 1990s.