Parody

CENTER STAGE: Five Crucial Tax Questions for Joe Biden

The American people deserve answers

President Donald Trump and former vice president Joe Biden will square off in Cleveland on Tuesday in the first presidential debate. They will discuss a number of issues, including whether or not Biden is under the influence of performance-enhancing drugs and why his campaign refused to submit to an earpiece inspection.

In light of recent news reports, one issue in particular will be of interest to the viewing public: Taxes. Much is already known about Trump's taxes and the business skills he expertly deploys to avoid paying them. Biden, on the other hand, is not a successful businessman. If he wants to allay the concerns of undecided voters, Biden must answer these crucial tax-related questions at tonight's debate.

1) Did you claim Hunter Biden as a dependent on your latest tax return?

Hunter is reportedly trying to make it as an artist in Los Angeles. He has no discernible source of income but somehow managed to pay off—in less than a week—a $453,890 tax lien filed by the District of Columbia in July. Where'd that money come from?

2) How much did Hunter Biden pay in taxes on the $3.5 million wire transfer he received from Elena Baturina, the richest woman in Russia?

The curious payment was unearthed by a Senate Republican investigation into Hunter's shady business dealings abroad. Baturina is the widow of Yury Luzhkov, the former mayor of Moscow.

3) Do you support making the monthly child support payments Hunter Biden agreed to send the mother of "NJR," the grandson whose existence you refuse to acknowledge, tax deductible?

After initially denying he had a sexual relationship with an exotic dancer named "Dallas," Hunter reached a confidential financial settlement with the Arkansas woman after a court-ordered DNA test found him to be the father of the unnamed child. Joe Biden has consistently refused to claim "NJR" as his grandchild, although it is unclear whether this is due to spite or the steady decline in his cognitive ability.

4) Should getting plastic surgery to look like your historic female running mate Kamala Harris be a tax-deductible expense?

According to a local NBC news affiliate, a woman in Houston is planning to undergo eight operations in an effort to look like Harris, whom the woman described as "an inspiration and an excellent role model for women of color, as well as for all women and all people everywhere." The full-body makeover will include breast augmentation, a liquid rhinoplasty, and liposuction.

5) You've been in politics your entire life. Why are you so poor?

Biden has a net worth of about $9 million. The former VP's 2019 tax return reveals that he and his wife, Dr. Jill, earned less than $1 million last year. Barack Obama, by comparison, is raking in book advances and Netflix deals worth tens of millions and is on track to become the first U.S. president to achieve billionaire status after leaving office. Bill Clinton and Al Gore are multi-multi-millionaires as well. What happened?