Help wanted: The Washington Free Beacon is accepting applications for the role of Senior Vice President of Strategic Communications.
About the job: The purpose of the role is to develop and implement a communications strategy that endeavors to 1) Publicly humiliate Free Beacon editor in chief Eliana Johnson by, for example, letting a journalist accompany her to a personal training session or Botox appointment, 2) Foment sophomoric angst among Free Beacon employees, and 3) Create an untenable status quo that forces Johnson to step down in disgrace.
• At least 11 years experience as head of strategic communications at a mid-tier cable news network such as CNN
• A demonstrated disdain and disregard for conventional journalist practices
• Must love dogs (and manspreading)
• Must have solid industry connections
• Must love America
• Must have bold fashion sense
• Must be willing to go topless
• Previous experience facilitating the forced exit of a chief executive at a major media company
• Previous experience being defended by former CNN employee Brian Stelter
• Proficient in Microsoft Excel
• Ability to execute flawless "raised leg" pose in a variety of settings
About the Washington Free Beacon: The Washington Free Beacon is a woman-led (for now) neoconservative war blog based in the United States of America. Our reporting has been denounced in a variety of esteemed publications including the New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, the New Republic, the Economist, the Atlantic, Reader's Digest, Popular Mechanics, National Geographic, Architectural Digest, Better Homes & Gardens, Teen Vogue, Playgirl, Cat Fancy, Inspire, and many others.
How to apply: Pay the $2,375 application fee then send résumé, cover letter, head shot, full-body shot, Social Security number, and two dozen original haikus to firstname.lastname@example.org. Good luck!