Nickname(s): Cackles, Momala, Willie’s Ex, Narc
Known associates: Joe Biden, Gavin Newsom, Willie Brown, Doug Emhoff, Ella Emhoff, Meena Harris
Occupation: Vice President of the United States
Background: Harris burst onto the California political scene while dating Willie Brown, the longtime speaker of the California Assembly, in the mid-1990s. Brown, who was still married at the time, graciously appointed his girlfriend to a number of lucrative part-time gigs on taxpayer-funded boards and commissions.
It was one of those amazing coincidences, sort of like the time Harris’s stepdaughter Ella Emhoff received a modeling contract after her “Momala” was sworn in as vice president. Harris would go on to serve as district attorney of San Francisco, attorney general of California, and as a U.S. senator before launching her failed campaign for president in 2016.
Accomplishments: Dated a Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year (Willie Brown, 2019), locked up almost 2,000 individuals for marijuana-related offenses as California attorney general, and maneuvered herself one octogenarian heartbeat away from the presidency. Knows about Venn diagrams.
Hates freedom? Yes. It’s one of the only issues on which she will never flip-flop nonsensically over and over again.
Why/how? Harris will say and do whatever it takes to get ahead. In today’s Democratic Party, that means hating freedom more than anything else. Her only redeeming quality might be the fact that she doesn’t work very hard. She’s also extremely ruthless when it comes to sabotaging the careers of fellow Democrats.
Claim to shame: She once hired a bunch of child actors to come to her house and look interested while she babbled on about space.
Fun fact: Harris has more ex-employees than a Fortune 500 company, many of whom are traumatized by the experience and terrified at the thought of her becoming president.
Terrifying fact: Biden has already exceeded the average male life expectancy by several years. God help us.