ANALYSIS: These Are the Voters Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz Must Target to Win in 2020

Howard Schultz, the billionaire former Starbucks CEO, is contemplating an independent run for president in 2020, and Democrats are pissed.

As some have pointed out, the hysterical reaction to Schultz's announcement is rather condescendingly dismissive of the notion that some American voters, perhaps even millions, might actually support his candidacy. Probably because most Democratic partisans assume that because most Americans disapprove of President Donald Trump, those Americans must also feel that Trump is an imminent threat to democracy itself and, more importantly, to the journalistic institutions that courageously protect it. As such, Trump must be defeated no matter what. These Democratic partisans seem unable to fathom that a significant chunk of the American electorate, while not crazy about Trump, might also be turned off by the increasingly left-wing primary circus taking shape on the Democratic side.

It's not even entirely certain, should Shultz decide to run on a centrist, fiscally conservative, socially liberal platform, that his candidacy would help Trump more than it would help the Democratic nominee. Who the hell knows? What is certain is that Shultz will need to determine if he has a "viable path" to the presidency, a process that will involve identifying the key demographics he'll need to attract in a general election.

Who, exactly, are these target Schultz voters? That's a great question. Fortunately, the Free Beacon‘s crack team of data analysts, with the help of AI-generated quantum computing algorithms, has developed some preliminary profiles of the optimal Schultz voter. Enjoy!

Target Voter #1

  • White male, age 34
  • Height: 5'10¼" but he constantly refers to himself as "six foot."
  • Buys the Economist at airports but never reads it. For some reason, he typically spends most of the flight battling his crippling anxiety over the potential social ramifications of adopting a cat.
  • Pretends to be interested in the English Premier League. Owns FIFA for Xbox, but rarely plays, and when he does he prefers the "manager simulation mode."
  • Drives a 2002 Mazda Miata and still doesn't know that all his friends have been making fun of it behind his back for years.
  • Knows it's not socially acceptable in "cool" circles to (unironically) like Coldplay. Still, he always turns up the volume when one of their songs comes on the radio in his car. He usually listens to TED Talk podcasts on his semi-frequent evenings runs, but every now and then he'll blast "Fix You" during the final stretch—adrenaline levels spiking, leg-pistons pumping as the thunderous guitar crescendos and the booming drums and sweet falsetto harmonies ignite his bones and guide him home.
  • The first time he found out his girlfriend was cheating on him with one of her high school students, he went to Starbucks and crushed two Venti S'mores Frappucinos.

Target Voter #2

  • Black male, age 19
  • Lacrosse team captain at semi-elite private boarding school. Received a few scholarship offers from division two schools, but would prefer to make it as a walk-on at the University of Vermont.
  • Great-Nephew (via marriage) of a deposed Congolese prince. His classmates constantly cracked jokes about Nigerian email scams, which was sort of funny at first but by senior year it was pretty annoying.
  • Not as rich as people think. He wants to study business and start an ethical hedge fund after college. He also dreams of one day hosting a lacrosse podcast on the Barstool Sports network.
  • Not very political, but sometimes laughs at Saturday Night Live. Doesn't have a Twitter account, but figures he should probably get one since he's constantly being asked if he saw so-and-so's tweet and/or was he offended by it. A girl he kind of dated from another school used to say "That's so covfefe" all the time but she ghosted him before he got around to asking her what it meant.

Target Voter #3

  • White female, early 70s
  • Enjoys a good hike.
  • Has a Costco membership for the sole purpose of buying Kirkland Signature chardonnay by the crate.
  • Semi-retired multi-millionaire, possessed of a fanatical zeal for the accumulation of wealth, though she'd never describe herself as such. In her mind, her considerable fortune is merely adequate compensation for her contributions to Western Civilization, though she'd never use that phrase in public because she appreciates the concepts of "wokeness," and is desperate to conceal the lingering bitterness and rage stemming from the time an ambitious black man robbed her of her rightful place in history.
  • Recent Google searches: "Am I too old to get divorced?" / "Form-fitting bio-mechanical exoskeleton"
  • Seriously considering a lucrative offer to advertise reverse mortgages on the Lifetime network.