Patriots,
Let me start by saying this: I missed you too.* It’s been an invigorating couple of months since I last penned words on this page. Damascus. Donetsk. Monte Carlo. I’ve seen some things, folks. I’m ready to relax.
But I can’t.
Relaxed is the last thing I felt when I heard that Ew Yuck City mayor Bill de Blasio wants to LIFT THE FERRET BAN. And wouldn’t you know? The Free Beacon’s coverage has been criminally negligent. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve enjoyed the probing articles about the D.C. music scene. I just can’t abide an allegedly pro-freedom blog sit idly by as a Marxist madman runs this country into the ground.
I understand that not everyone agrees with Biff. A children’s website called Vox.com, for example, thinks ferrets are "adorable" and "should be legal everywhere.
This is lunacy, people.
NOT ALL FERRETS ARE ADORABLE!
YES ALL FERRETS ARE A MENACE TO SOCIETY!
It's telling that Vox.com invokes a discredited false flag conspiracy to bolster its case that ferrets aren’t as violent as other pets. This is just as nonsensical as the people who argue that cats are superior to dogs. I’m not explicitly arguing that all ferrets should be eradicated, only that a "national conversation" is in order. Meanwhile, all reasonable human beings ought to agree that ferrets are not pets. They are vermin.
I'm speaking from experience. In the late 1990s I tracked a Saudi drug lord running money for al Qaeda to a makeshift bungalow in the Kyzyl Kum, north of Zarafshan. The place was a dump and crawling with ferrets, some of which appeared to have been spray-painted gold. Their fur was so dry and crusted you could snap it off with your fingers. Others had been fitted with tiny suicide vests rigged with firecrackers and a 9-volt battery.
My third ex-wife was a ferret person. We were divorced within 24 hours of returning from our honeymoon in Basra (this was pre-Saddam). I had bite marks covering at least 80 percent of my body—many of them were ferret-related. At one point, three of the critters crawled out of her purse and tried to crash our prop plane to Bandar-E-Mahshahr. I recently learned that she was chosen to take part in a PBS series on ferret lovers. Then I saw this:
If that's not a definitive argument against lifting the ban, I don't know what is. On the other hand, one could argue that letting people own ferrets inflicts cruel and unusual punishment—on the ferrets.
No, seriously.
WAKE UP, AMERICA!
I’m with Rudy Giuliani. He was right on crime, right on terrorism, and he’s right on ferrets (in so far as these issues are substantively different). Mayor Giuliani gained "notoriety" for this "rant" against a "ferret’s rights" advocate.
Am I missing something? Did my old pal Rudy really say anything controversial? Are ferret owners NOT "deranged"? Like Rudy said: "I’m not insulting, I’m being honest." In simpler times, this was known as LEADERSHIP.
Biff out.
*Of course I didn’t. My editors made me write that. I insisted on the asterisk.