America was stunned to see the gif below flash across their social media sites this morning. "Cat defends child from wild dog!" screamed the headlines. Cat people everywhere celebrated the vile feline's foray into heroism, pointing to this isolated incident as proof that their four-legged friend was superior to the canine, an animal that has literally evolved with humanity and is known for good reason as "man's best friend." Check it out:
Stunning imagery, to be sure. But it doesn't make any sense. Think about it, sheeple! Cats are evil. Everyone knows this. They serve the dark lord and witches and all other manner of dreadful beast.* They literally steal the souls out of the mouths of sleeping babies. Why would a cat just randomly come to the defense of a kid in danger?
The answer, of course, is that it wouldn't. It would, in fact, be the aggressor in any attack. Which can only lead us to one stunning conclusion:
The "dog" in this video isn't a dog at all but a cat disguised as a dog committing a heinous act to turn mankind against their closest allies!
I'd just like to thank Roberto Orci, 9/11 Truther and forthcoming Star Trek III: The Search for Sheeple director, for opening my eyes to the Truth. No longer shall I be a coincidence theorist. #QuestionEverything
*The only other reasonable explanation for this is that that child is the anti-Christ or a reverse vampire or something. But that's a rabbit hole we shouldn't go down until we have more proof.