Rainmakers in the Streets, Moral Victors in the Sheets: The Democratic Party’s Deadbeat Dreamboats

• October 23, 2018 9:12 am


White Man, Dark Horse

Democrats keep getting their hearts broken by youngish, charismatic white guys running for national office. By now, the pattern is familiar. The liberal establishment falls head over heels for a dreamboat candidate who just might win a challenging race, usually in a part of the country that does not resemble the places where members of the liberal establishment live. Journalists pen dozens of fawning profiles. Celebrities roll out endorsements, and perform at fundraisers. And yet, despite all the hype and mountains of cash, the candidate ends up losing to a generic Republican. In some cases, Democrats have embraced these defeats as a "moral victory" of sorts. But no one believes them.

This year's midterm elections are fast approaching. Democrats will probably have reason to celebrate, maybe. But until then, here's a tribute to some of the party's studliest losers.

Beto O'Rourke

Race: Texas Senate

Cycle: 2018 (Midterm)

Opponent: Ted Cruz

Funds Raised: $61 Million

Result: Loss (Projected)

Ted Cruz

Skills/Attributes: Inspirational Perspiration (aka heavy sweating)

Celebrity Endorsements: Eva Longoria, Woody Nelson

Stud Appeal: Charismatic, like a Kennedy without the yachts or rosacea

Fun Facts: O'Rourke, who is often described as "Kennedyesque,"  is running against the son of John F. Kennedy's assassin.

Summary: The liberal base is batty for Beto.

Seriously, they can't get enough.

Just lose already. This is getting out of hand.

Jon Ossoff

Democratic candidate Jon Ossoff

Race: Georgia 6th

Cycle: 2017 (Special)

Opponent: Karen Handel

Funds Raised: $30 Million

Result: Loss

Skills/Attributes: None

Celebrity Endorsements: Samuel L. Jackson, Chelsea Handler

Stud Appeal: Factory-made Democratic congressional staffer

Fun Facts: Ossoff didn't live in the district where he ran for Congress, so he couldn't even vote for himself. During the election, Ossoff was publicly shamed into proposing to his girlfriend of 12 years.

Danny O'Connor

Race: Ohio 12th

Cycle: 2018 (Special), 2018 (Midterm)

Opponent: Troy Balderson

Funds Raised: $6.7 Million

Result: Loss, TBD

Skills/Attributes: Frat bro, Dad bod

Celebrity Endorsements: Alyssa Milano, John Legend

Stud Appeal: (See: Skills/Attributes)

Fun Facts: Has pledged to oppose House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi's bid for a new term as party leader. According to a recent Free Beacon analysis, Pelosi is ridiculously old.

Sean Eldridge (Facebook Spouse)

Race: New York 19th

Cycle: 2014 (Midterm)

Opponent: Chris Gibson

Funds Raised: $6.4 Million

Result: Humiliation

Skills/Attributes: Married Mark Zuckerberg's college roommate

Celebrity Endorsements: Hillary Clinton

Stud Appeal: Expensive trophy spouse

Fun Facts: Owns at least one pair of $2,500 binoculars.

Alexi Giannoulias

Race: Illinois Senate

Cycle: 2010 (Midterm)

Opponent: Mark Kirk

Funds Raised: $10 Million

Result: Loss

Skills/Attributes: Collegiate athlete (basketball), Disgraced banking scion

Celebrity Endorsements: Barack Obama

Stud Appeal: Sugar Daddy

Fun Facts: In 2015, Giannoulias bought a $2.6 million mansion once owned by House Speaker Paul Ryan's college girlfriend. This is considered a devastating Alpha move in super-wealthy circles.

Hunks on Deck for 2020

Gavin Newsom (Lieutenant Governor of California)

Gavin Newsom

Pete Buttigieg (Mayor of South Bend, Indiana)

Joe Biden (About to fight Donald Trump)