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Beto O’Rourke Has A Turtle Problem

Ex-blogger lives the high life on the campaign trail while 'Baby Gus' flees captivity in protest

• May 1, 2019 11:18 am

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Beto O'Rourke, the failed Senate candidate and former travel blogger seeking the Democratic nomination for president, has a turtle problem.

In our patriarchal society, female presidential candidates with young children often face skepticism and questions about their ability to balance the demands of higher office with those of being a mother. It's only fair to demand that O'Rourke face similar scrutiny for his apparent inability (or unwillingness) to care for an innocent baby turtle.

If Baby Gus finds Beto's leadership skills so underwhelming that he's willing to risk it all in the unforgiving wilderness, perhaps American voters should take note. Can a man — an ex-blogger, no less — who can't find it within himself to care for the life and well-being of turtle really be trusted to care for the life and well-being of an entire nation?

The chief suspect in the turtle's disappearance is reportedly the family dog, Artemis O'Rourke, which raises further questions about the candidate's character. If the candidate is unable or unwilling to teach his (allegedly) beloved canine to control his animal lust for reptile flesh, can we really be sure that, as president, Beto won't succumb to his own beastlike proclivities for excrement-involved horseplay and travel blogging on the open road?

The choice is yours, America.