The midterms happened and it wasn't pretty. Some people came out on top, while others may never recover after enduring a ritualistic humiliation of near-biblical proportions. Here's your definitive guide to the winners and losers of the 2026 election.
WINNER: The letter D. Practically everyone whose name was printed on a ballot next to it won their election. Dan Osborn, the Democrat pretending to be an independent in the Nebraska Senate race, probably would have too if he'd been more honest.
HONORABLE MENTION: The letter X. It's bound to make a comeback after Tuesday's results. Don't believe me? A man wearing a dress won a seat in the state legislature—in Alabama. That sound you hear is Pete Buttigieg restoring the pronouns to his social media bios.
WINNER: The Republican Party. Nothing will rouse their base more or boost their popularity with independents faster than having no real power and nothing to do but watch Democrats remind voters why no one likes them either.
LOSER: The Democratic Party. Their candidates won everywhere, but the party's policies couldn't even win support in blue states. California's wealth tax went down in flames, while Washington State and Colorado are projected to approve ballot measures that would impose restrictions on sex-change operations for minors as well as transgender participation in sports.
WINNER: Hakeem Jeffries. He's in line to become the first black speaker of the House and would enjoy a comfortable majority.
LOSER: Hakeem Jeffries. Unless you're a stock-trading savant like Nancy Pelosi, speaker of the House is a terrible job. An emboldened "Squad" and the incoming class of left-wing radicals are going to make his life miserable.
WINNER: Mohamed Morsi. The Muslim Brotherhood strongman led Egypt for barely a year before being ousted in a 2013 coup. Years later, he suffered a fatal heart attack while awaiting trial on espionage charges. Nevertheless, he persisted and conquered Michigan from the grave.
LOSER: The happiness of people in Dearborn. At some point, the socially conservative Muslims who supported Abdul El-Sayed are going to find out about his stance on male dongs in women's locker rooms.
WINNER: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Frontrunner status: unlocked.
LOSER: Every other Democrat running for president in 2028. Gavin Newsom peaked too early, is covered in grease, and has no ideas or principles. Ossoff and Shapiro are too moderate, too Jewish. Pete Buttigieg is washed up—a poor man's James Talarico. If AOC decides to run, who's going to stop her? Kamala Harris? [Cackles drunkenly].
WINNER: Robin DiAngelo. "DEI is back," Rep. Ro Khanna (D., Calif.) declared triumphantly. Few are better positioned to cash in on the vibe shift than DiAngelo, the best-selling author of White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism and Nice Racism: How Progressive White People Perpetuate Racial Harm.
LOSER: Ro Khanna. See above. He won reelection, but he'll always be a loser. There is nothing more obnoxious than a cocky dork.
WINNER: Insufferable white guys. Democrats finally ousted Sen. Susan Collins (R., Maine), which is great news for Morris Katz and Daniel Moraff. The trust-fund wunderkinds who originally recruited Graham Platner, an unemployed accused rapist with a Nazi tattoo, will face no recriminations for their shenanigans.
LOSER: Graham Platner. He clearly loved that Nazi tat. They made him replace it with what looks like a deformed chihuahua begging to be put out of its misery. After watching his replacement, Troy Jackson, win by 7 percentage points, Platner surely regrets dropping out over a measly rape allegation. Tough break.
WINNER: Graham Platner. The comeback tour starts now. Why not Eric Swalwell while we're at it?
LOSER: Jasmine Crockett. Even she could have beaten Ken Paxton in this environment. Crockett didn't get the chance because a different insufferable white guy, James Talarico, beat her in the Democratic primary.
WINNER: Jasmine Crockett. Given Talarico's expressed commitment to decolonizing white supremacy, it's not unreasonable to demand that he resign immediately upon taking office so that the incoming Democratic governor (of Texas!) can nominate Crockett as his replacement.
HONORABLE MENTION: The age-old Democratic tradition of bedding female staffers. Let the big dog eat. As he ponders whether to resign in solidarity with black and brown communities, Talarico will need to "interview" plenty of candidates for positions in his Senate office. It's unclear whether Brianna Menard, his current girlfriend and former chief of staff, is planning to join him in Washington. Not that it would make a difference to a stud like Jimmy T.
LOSER: The Lincoln Project. Do they still exist? If so, why bother? For the art of the grift, sure, but surely there will come a point when these "former Republicans" begin to feel a bit undignified about the prospect of endorsing Medicare for All or the Hasan Piker Senate campaign. Right?
WINNER: Jon Husted. He lost the Ohio Senate race, but he'll make a lot more money as a thirst-trap poster. He's sitting on a gold mine.
