CNN host Jake Tapper was widely denounced last month for promoting his forthcoming book about how former president Joe Biden and his Democratic allies plotted to cover up "evidence of his serious decline" in an ultimately futile attempt to stay in power another four years. Many pointed out that Tapper and other prominent media figures played a key role in the cover-up. Even though an overwhelming majority of Americans—77 percent, according to an AP poll released in August 2023—thought Biden was too old and incompetent to serve another term in office, those who agreed with them in public were routinely attacked by journalists and other partisan Democrats for promoting right-wing conspiracy theories. Video evidence of Biden's geezerly antics was labeled "misinformation."
We were eager to get our hands on an advance copy of Original Sin: President Biden's Decline, Its Cover-Up, and His Disastrous Choice to Run Again, which won't be officially released until May. It wasn't easy, but we managed to do it via means of debatable legality. We were completely blown away by the revelations. Over the next several days, the Washington Free Beacon will be exclusively reprinting the most explosive examples of Biden's decline and the sinister plot to prevent the American people from learning the truth. Enjoy!
The Kabul Catastrophe (August 15, 2021)
President Joe Biden sat hunched at the head of the table. He puzzled over his daily brief, now delivered in the form of a sound book for toddlers. "A is for Afghan—A is for—A is for—A is for—A—A—A—A is for Afghanistan." It drove his aides crazy, but they also knew the sacrifice was worth it. For the moment, at least, this diminished man they had taken to calling "the commander in corpse" would be too occupied to follow up on his latest obsession: filming a "hot sex tape" with Dr. Jill. Among the senior advisers, only Hunter had taken it seriously, but the first son had other things on his mind today.
"Dunkirk," Hunter said, slapping the table with authority. "We can do what they did in Dunkirk." He had recently seen the Christopher Nolan film, he explained.
"Brilliant," the president replied. "D is for Dunkirk. Where's the secretary of defense?"
Nobody had seen or heard from Lloyd Austin in nearly a month. His designated proxy, Al Sharpton, was hosting a podcast in the adjoining room. Jake Sullivan started to say something, but Hunter cut him off. The first son proceeded to outline his plan to acquire a fleet of luxury speedboats from a sheik in Dubai who owed him a favor. They could be loaded up with troops, then airlifted to Baku, the capital of Azerbaijan. "It's amazing," Hunter said. "I know a guy who can get us into the best strip club. You can tip in Bitcoin."
Sullivan coughed. "Mr. President, we covered this in the intelligence brief." He held up a map of Central Asia and pointed to Afghanistan. "L is for landlocked."
Biden demanded to see the map, blew his nose in it, and urged Sullivan to "run it by Beau and make sure the Soviets are on board."
The first lady entered with a small bowl of raspberry yogurt and a paper straw. Hunter rushed out the door to the bathroom, fidgeting with his leather dopp kit. "What's the worst that could happen?" Jill said. "Joe is trying his best. If everyone in this room tries their best, I'm sure it will all be fine."
The president slurped the yogurt at his wife's command. "Time to get changed," he said, mounting the conference room table and rolling onto his back. "We'll figure it out." Jill pulled a fresh pack of incontinence guards from the nearest filing cabinet.
Hunter appeared in the doorway, eyes bulging, Gucci trousers stained with what looked like fresh blood. "FYI, I found a couple fingers in the men's room," he said. "Anyone seen the dog?" A pair of Secret Service agents left to attend to their dying colleague.
The senior officials sat in silence as Jill performed her custodial duties, and Joe mumbled semi-coherently about the time he got arrested in Japan for trying to rescue a geisha, which never happened. The president insisted on buttoning his own pants without any help, which he eventually managed to do. "God prect or troops!" he barked, bringing the room to attention. "Now stand, and salute me." So they did.
Jill cozied up next to her husband, who smiled and made a honking gesture in the vicinity of her breasts. She stifled a giggle before turning to address the team. "A is for…"
"Afghanistan!" they roared in unison. Except for Hunter, who was using the moist blood on his pants to finger-paint in his notebook.
As soon as the applause died down, Secretary of State Tony Blinken spoke up to remind everyone that he had been promised time at the end of the meeting to debut his new original song, "Hard Power, Soft Mouth." So they sat and listened for about seven minutes as Blinken explained his inspiration for the song, and another seven until he finally finished. Sullivan accompanied on harmonica.
Andrew Bates, the White House press aide, waited until the room was mostly empty before approaching the president, who was fidgeting with some notecards. Biden held one up and asked Bates what it said. "'The meeting is over. You stand up and exit through the door on the right,'" he read aloud. "But before you go, Mr. President…"
"Spit it out, you sumbitch," Biden growled. "I haven't got all day, and you don't want to fight me."
"Of course, sir. I'm sorry, sir," Bates said, trembling. "Jen wanted me to ask you what we should tell the press."
Biden pinched the young aide's cheek with his bony fingers, leaned over, and whispered: "You tell them, 'No, Joe Biden doesn't have a doctorate in foreign affairs. He's just that fucking good.'"