Five Hillary Clinton Gestures That Will Redeem Your Faith In Humanity

Hillary Rodham Clinton

There’s a reason Hillary Clinton is known in some quarters as “America’s grandmother.” That charming, carefree laugh. That calm, attentive nod. She carries herself with a grace that defies the harsh reality of the human condition. Her smile is like a dollop of warm love melted over golden buns. Her voice is the pure harmonic bong of freedom’s bell. Her jingle-jangle spirit jolts the spine and soothes the cynic’s soul.

Here are five defining Hillary Clinton gestures that will fill your heart with joy.

FLASHFORWARD: Donald Trump Sworn In as President

Winners gonna win. (AP)

Given his vast popularity and strong commitment to making America great again, Donald Trump will probably be our next president. The only question worth asking at this point is: What will the Trump presidency be like? Will he absolve Hillary Clinton’s felony conviction with a presidential pardon? We already have a pretty good idea how he’ll respond when Iran becomes a nuclear power. What else do we have to look forward to?

A massive inauguration parade, that’s what. Huge, like wouldn’t believe. America will feel great again, because America will be great.

Here’s an exclusive look at the festivities:

66,580 Reasons Why Donald Trump Is Better and More Successful than Obama

All he does is win. (AP)

Next president Donald Trump is better and more successful than Barack Obama in many, many ways. The Donald has a massive fortune, while Obama is barely a millionaire. Pathetic. Trump also boasts a Twitter following that is huge like you wouldn’t believe. Very, very large. Even the President of the United States can’t keep up with the Donald. What a loser.

NBC’s Chuck Todd Interviews Donald Trump’s Hair

Like a field of golden wheat after a summer storm.

Over the weekend, NBC host Chuck Todd sat down for an exclusive interview with Donald Trump’s hair. The signature golden mane—often considered the finest and most luxurious head of hair in international real estate—performed well under the barrage of questions and presented a strong vision for a great American future.

Defending The Donald

Trump (AP)

Donald Trump is the only candidate in the 2016 who A) fights, B) tells it like it is, and C) has a plan to make America great again. Everybody is talking about how he won the GOP debate. He gets bigger crowds than Bernie Sanders. Sure, he’s advocated liberal policies and supported Democratic politicians in the past, but that just proves Donald Trump is a savvy businessman. RINOs and other members of the politically correct establishment will keep attacking him because they are fat slobs with ugly wives who can’t afford a classy suit.

American voters fed up with the GOP establish have a duty to stand up and defend The Donald’s previous positions, for example:

Hillary Clinton’s Hamptons Vacation

Just an everyday beachfront mansion.

Hillary Clinton needs a vacation. The champion of everyday Americans will head the Hamptons on August 21 for a two-week stay at an $18 million beachfront estate. The Clintons are reportedly shelling out $100,000 for the rental, which is a little less than 30-minutes worth of “work” on the speaking circuit. Everyday Americans, by comparison, spend an average of $1,145 per person on summer travel.

Five Sentences that Explain the Hillary Clinton Email Scandal

AP

Hillary Clinton is embroiled in a scandal concerning her exclusive use of a private email server as Secretary of State, and the possible mishandling of classified information. Here are five sentences that explain everything you need to know.

Election 2016: All Roads Lead to Trump

Soon.

Get ready, America. Our collective dream of a Donald Trump presidency may soon be realized. The former Democrat continues to lead the Republican field, after the lamestream media assured us Trump would fade. Hillary Clinton is embroiled in a FBI investigation into whether she sent “top secret” information over her private email network, an offense that would place most everyday Americans behind bars. Socialist curmudgeon Bernie Sanders is beating her by seven points among New Hampshire primary voters, but he is unlikely to have the same appeal in a general election versus Trump, even though they agree on almost every issue.