For several hours, President Joe Biden had a racially charged crisis on his hands after Sens. Tammy Duckworth (D., Ill.) and Mazie Hirono (D., Hawaii) vowed to reject all "non-diversity" nominees until Asian Americans are appointed to "key executive branch positions."
Duckworth told reporters on Tuesday that the lack of Asian-American representation in Biden's cabinet was "unacceptable" and said her protest was triggered by an "incredibly insulting" conversation with Jen O'Malley Dillon, the president's deputy chief of staff.
"To be told that you have Kamala Harris, we are proud of her, you don't need anybody else, is insulting," Duckworth said of the conversation. "That's not something you would say to the black caucus."
The senators caved almost instantly in response to bipartisan pushback, announcing just hours later that the boycott was off thanks to the Biden administration's "assurances that it will do much more to elevate [Asian American and Pacific Islander] voices and perspectives at the highest levels of government."
In the interest of helping the Democratic Party solve its diversity problem, the Washington Free Beacon‘s racial analysis team has come up with the following suggestions to help Biden alleviate the senators' concerns.
1) Reinstate Elaine Chao as transportation secretary
Pete Buttigieg could use the free time to write another memoir, teach Esperanto at Georgetown, or open a bike-thru coffee hut called "Bespoke" on H Street.
2) Nominate John Yoo to the Supreme Court
Wait until a seat becomes vacant, or just do it anyway. In the meantime, Yoo could serve as Biden's interrogation czar.
3) Statehood for Taiwan
Because Washington, D.C., doesn't really deserve it and isn't very diverse by comparison.
4) Tear down the Washington Monument
Speaking of D.C., Duckworth is open to the idea of tearing down statues of George Washington in the name of racial justice. Getting rid of the country's foremost phallic tribute to the problematic first president would be a good start.
5) Cancel FDR
As long as we're destroying D.C. monuments, we might as well get rid of the one honoring the architect of Japanese internment. Additionally, FDR's image should be taken off the dime. Asian-American golf legend Tiger Woods would be a suitable replacement.
6) Justice for Austin Tong
The Fordham University student was disciplined for holding a gun in an Instagram post to commemorate the Tiananmen Square Massacre. He deserves better.
7) Install Amy Chua, aka "Tiger Mom," as education secretary
The post is currently held by Miguel Cardona, who might be Hispanic but is also a man. Chua would make sure our nation's children are back in school.
8) Stop calling Duckworth "hot wheels" while giving her unsolicited back rubs
Hands to yourself, gramps.