Satire

Susan Rice: The ‘Own The Libs’ Candidate

Susan Rice / Getty Images

Devotees of the "Own The Libs" movement know that owning the Libs is an all-encompassing philosophy. The Libs must be owned whenever possible and at all costs. When it comes to Joe Biden's choice of a running mate—expected to be announced this week—one candidate looms as the best equipped to own the pathetic Libs who naively believed the Democratic Party was too "woke" to nominate a geriatric white dude in 2020: Susan Rice.

From an "owning the Libs" perspective, Rice is the best possible VP candidate for several reasons. Unlike Sen. Kamala Harris (D., Calif.), she isn't blinded by ruthless female ambition and a willingness to exploit powerful men for political gain. Unlike Rep. Karen Bass (D., Calif.), she doesn't share the liberal elite's sympathy for communism and Scientology.

As Rice made clear in her 2019 memoir Tough Love, she is not a fan of the "woke" culture Libs adore. In Rice's estimation, civil discourse "has suffered" due to the prevalence of "trigger warnings" and woke thought-policing on campus, especially when it comes to Israel and the BDS movement. She's "not a fan" of the "defund the police" movement, either. Also, Edward Snowden is not a civil-rights hero, but a "self-righteous" traitor who "deserves a full reckoning with the U.S. justice system." The Soviet Union was "ruthless," rather than enlightened. Sorry, Libs!

In her memoir, Rice denounced the "efforts to constrain conservative or pro-Israel groups on college campuses." She bragged that she had "spearheaded efforts to prevent Palestine from being admitted prematurely to the U.N. as a full member state," and described the horrors of Palestinian terrorism she experienced while visiting a town where "Hamas rockets from Gaza regularly and cruelly rained down on Israeli homes." She once expressed a youthful desire to "turn Mogadishu [Somalia] into a parking lot."

That's not all. The Libs are reportedly "alarmed" by Rice's multimillion-dollar portfolio of investments, which during her time in the Obama administration included as much as $600,000 worth of stock in TransCanada, the company behind the Keystone XL oil pipeline. Rice has refused to say whether she still holds the stock. She also previously worked as a consultant at McKinsey & Co., the controversial firm that allegedly fixed bread prices in Canada with the help of failed candidate Pete Buttigieg.

Rice has also exploited her wealth for political gain in a way that Libs claim to find repulsive. She and her husband, Ian Cameron, donated $24,000 to Biden's campaign in June as her name was being floated as a potential VP candidate. Their son, John David Rice-Cameron, has not donated to Biden's campaign, however. That's because he is a Trump supporter who served as president of the College Republicans at Stanford, where he hosted events titled, "Make Stanford Great Again."

If Biden refuses to do the right thing by nominating his old friend and fellow groping enthusiast Chris Dodd, Rice is his next best (female) option. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter whom he chooses as a running mate. The Libs are stuck with him, at least until his physical and mental health deteriorates, and will be forced to defend him when he can't stop rubbing Rice's shoulders or smelling her hair on stage. Libs had their chance to nominate an experienced woman of color in 2020, but Elizabeth Warren was no match for Biden in the Democratic primary. Rice is the VP nominee these feckless Libs deserve.