Gov. Ron DeSantis (R., Fla.) had some choice words for Dr. Anthony Fauci, the career bureaucrat who announced his retirement earlier this week. "I'm just sick of seeing him," the governor told supporters at a GOP rally in Seminole County on Wednesday. "I know he says he’s going to retire. Someone needs to grab that little elf and chuck him across the Potomac."
Most Americans are sick of seeing Fauci, who is constantly on television scolding them for refusing to mask their toddlers. He's been the subject of multiple children's books and appeared on the cover of numerous glossy magazines posing like a goddamn movie star. Speaking of which, Brad Pitt portrayed him on Saturday Night Live. You can find his likeness on prayer candles, bobblehead dolls, and Christmas ornaments. There is even an Anthony Fauci coloring book for emotionally unstable perverts.
Fauci was revered as a celebrity and quasi-religious figure by arrogant nerds and other preternaturally obnoxious individuals. A more humble scientist might have shunned the spotlight, but Fauci reveled in it. He never missed an opportunity to congratulate himself and remind Americans how lucky they were to have him in charge. He recently accepted an award typically reserved for Major League Baseball players, and coined a new term—"the Fauci Effect"—to explain how he became the embodiment of "consistency," "integrity," and "truth." He routinely dismissed his critics as "anti-science."
Meanwhile, normal Americans just wanted to know when their children could go back to school. They stopped listening to Fauci and other so-called experts, whose self-righteous pronouncements about the COVID-19 pandemic were confusing, contradictory, and tainted by politics. President Joe Biden promised to "shut down the virus" by deferring to science experts. Fauci described the "liberating feeling" of serving under a Democrat. More than 634,000 Americans have died from COVID-19 since Biden took office, which is roughly 226,000 more deaths than occurred on Donald Trump's watch.
Fauci will turn 82 in December, which means he's even older than Biden. That's way too old to be working in government. He should have retired 20 years ago. As to whether the doctor resembles a "little elf," the evidence overwhelmingly supports DeSantis's claim. Fauci is generously listed at 5 feet 7 inches, but a Washington Free Beacon analysis suggests that is a blatant lie. He appears to be even shorter than former White House press secretary Jen Psaki, who is generously listed at 5 feet 5 inches. If Fauci can't even be honest about his own height, how can the American people expect him to tell the truth about science?
Based on the available evidence, someone does need to chuck that little elf across the Potomac. Unfortunately for DeSantis, the act he describes is not physically possible. Even at its narrowest point, the Potomac River is still more than 1,000 feet wide. For the sake of context, the Olympic record for the javelin throw is 98.5 meters, or 323 feet. A javelin weighs less than two pounds, whereas Fauci presumably weighs at least 75 pounds. DeSantis would have been on less shaky ground had he said that someone needs to grab that little elf, chuck him in a trebuchet and catapult him across the Potomac.
Verdict: Mostly True
It is difficult to fault DeSantis's logic regarding Dr. Fauci. We're tired of seeing him. He should have retired by now. He deserves to be chucked across the Potomac. The governor's statement implies, however, that a single human chucking the little elf across the Potomac is not only desirable but also physically possible. Desirable? Of course. Physically possible? Sorry, governor. DeSantis gets One Clinton for his failure to explain that successfully chucking Fauci across a river as large as the Potomac would require the assistance of a trebuchet or other form of catapult.