Satire

SCIENCE: Global Warming May Be Our Only Hope of Containing Wuhan Virus

"Global warming" is a threat to humanity, according to libs. But, assuming it's real, it might be our only hope of containing the greater threat posed by the Wuhan bat virus.

This isn't some right-wing conspiracy—it's basic science. A recent scientific study of the Wuhan virus found that high temperature and high humidity "significantly reduce the transmission of [the Wuhan virus]," much in the same way that warmer, wetter weather reduces the transmission of the flu. According to the authors, their findings indicate that "the arrival of summer and rainy season in the northern hemisphere can effectively reduce the transmission of the [Wuhan bat virus]."

That's great news for humanity, but bad news for the libs, who have been celebrating the widespread adoption of "social distancing" and other measures to reduce the spread of the Wuhan virus. The New York Times, among others, is embracing the pandemic as a tool to "fight climate change," the phenomenon previously known as global warming.

"Never waste even a tragic crisis," one so-called expert told the Times. Others are hopeful the dramatic efforts to prevent the virus from spreading will be "good for the planet" by reducing carbon emissions from air travel in particular. Unfortunately, science suggests that what's good for the planet is bad for the collective health of the people living on it.

Efforts to speed the warming of the planet will be difficult in light of the restrictions imposed by most governments, but that doesn't make them any less essential to conquering the Wuhan plague. America, as usual, is best positioned to lead the way in this time of crisis, and all citizens should be doing what they can to pump carbon into the atmosphere.

If you're driving less as a result of social distancing, consider leaving your car running overnight. Idling engines are routinely cited as a significant contributor to global warming. Driving up the demand for beef by eating as much of the delicious meat as possible is another way Americans can solve the Wuhan crisis. The alleged environmental harm caused by bovine flatulence is one of the many reasons the libs want to cancel cows.

Restrictions on public gatherings shouldn't stop you from taking a stroll through an isolated wooded area and (safely) cutting down some trees with a chainsaw or rocket launcher. Trees help remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere, encouraging the Wuhan virus to spread. Take as many of them out as you can.

When you return home, do your part to save humanity by turning on every light in the house and running as many appliances as your outlet situation allows. You'll probably need to purchase several adaptors to maximize your energy output. Most of that electricity will be produced by coal-burning factories—another thing the libs hate that could end up saving millions of lives.

Speaking of lives, there are few things the libs hate more than babies. Have some! The libs will tell you having children is bad for the planet. Tell the libs that their sanctimonious abstinence is exactly what the Wuhan virus wants. If we all do our part, this new generation of Wuhan babies will inherit a vibrant, healthy society and surging economy—all thanks to the brave sacrifices of previous generations, who decided to stop coddling the planet for the good of mankind.