While reporting on the president's efforts to undermine American freedom, the Washington Free Beacon exclusively obtained the following draft transcript of Biden's official campaign announcement video. Enjoy!
Hi, I'm Joe Biden. You, look at camera, and I'm running for United States Senate from the great state of Scranton, Pennsylvania. Start walking toward camera. No? What did I say?
I'm Joe Biden's husband, Jill Biden. No, I'm Joe Biden and that's why I'm running for vice president of the United States of [incomprehensible]. Start again? Can you make the font bigger?
My fellow Americans, when I came to Washington six years ago I promised. Why? That's what I said. You. Put on aviators. Now? Where'd they go? I can't see anything. To bill black butter than ever before from the middle out, not from the middle out. From the bottom down, all the way down. Repeat the line.
You know, before I joined the civil rights movement, before I served [incomprehensible] the country's first black president. Why is it capitalized? Black? I was just a scrappy kid making his way on the streets. Playing knucklebones down by the industrial waste factory, chasing skirt.
What script? Where? No one told me that. How about you guys set up the camera over there. Why not? I'll ride the Trek down that way, jump stop, spin the handle bars. Maybe what's his name could give me an ice cream cone like in a relay race, or passing the Olympic torch. Whaddya mean?
On the bike. Well, how come he gets to ride one? I don't care how old he is. I don't care if he's my grandson. He's not? I don't. Where's Jill? There's too much at stake in this election. We've come too far. Is that as big as you can make it? The words. How do you expect me to read that? I'm trying.
Damn! Yes, I'm fine. I tripped over the daggone [incomprehensible]. The grass is too slippery. My shoes? I don't know. I think I left them on Marine One. Why? You tell me, fat!
Folks, my opponent votes in lockstep with President Nixon. I worked with Senator Strom Thurmond to increase federal penalties for marijuana possession and trademark infringement. God love him, the beautiful bastard. Put those thugs in prison for the rest of their lives along with the draft dodgers.
That's what being an American is all about. We live in [incomprehensible] democracy. There will be some who question whether I'm fit to be serve as president. Just watch me. Watch me. See for yourself. I certainly don't feel 65, and I've got a great companion in Gavin Newsom, the first bisexual vice president of the United States.
How's that? No, not again. I thought we got rid of her. Whaddya mean? Yeah, well I'm blacker than she is. Literally. I saw Sister Sledge play the Providence Civic Center in 1979. My boy Hunter has more Nigerian friends than you can count. Anyway.
This November. Excuse me, next November. The choice is yours, America. No. Which way do I go? What if I want to go that way? Stupid son of a bitch.