CANCELED: Every Democratic President of the 20th Century

June 25, 2020

Everyone is being canceled these days, from popular U.S. presidents such as Abraham Lincoln and Ulysses S. Grant to "a middle-aged white woman named Sue Schafer" who wore a bad costume in 2018. For whatever reason, living Democratic officials like Virginia governor Ralph Northam and middle-aged white celebrities like Jimmy Kimmel have not, despite committing blatantly cancel-worthy offenses.

Unfortunately for Democratic leaders who are not currently alive or holding office, the cancellation brigades are on the offensive. There's a decent chance that by the time 2020 draws to a close, every single Democratic president who served in the 20th century will have been canceled, toppled, exiled, and erased.

Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921)

Canceled... for his family's support of slavery and the Confederacy, for identifying as a proud Southerner, for being a member of a fraternity, for coaching football, for attending law school at a university founded by slave-owning president Thomas Jefferson, for writing a poorly received biography of slave-owning president George Washington, for excluding black students from Princeton, for appointing segregationists to his cabinet and arguing that segregation removed "friction" between the races, for screening The Birth of a Nation at the White House, and for being a virulent racist in general.

Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945)

Canceled... for supporting Woodrow Wilson's presidential campaign, for growing up in a wealthy family, for being related to Teddy Roosevelt, for fetishizing monogamy despite engaging in numerous extramarital affairs, for failing to win support for his court-packing legislation, for his association with Winston Churchill, for distrusting Joseph Stalin and failing to provide sufficient military support to the Soviet Union, for approving the Manhattan Project, for putting Japanese Americans in internment camps, and declining to enact a New Deal of color.

Harry S. Truman (1945-1953)

Canceled... for serving in the military, for waging nuclear war on Japanese civilians, for instigating the Cold War and dramatically increasing the military budget, for recognizing the State of Israel, for waging the Korean War, for describing American communists as "traitors," for having ancestors who owned slaves, and for making fun of journalists who work hard to meet deadlines but sometimes make mistakes because they're human.

John F. Kennedy (1961-1963)

Canceled... for being a serial sex predator, for being a Catholic, for being the son of an oligarch and Nazi sympathizer, for being related to serial sex predator Ted Kennedy, for knowing how to sail, for serving in the military, for invading Cuba, for escalating the U.S. military presence in Vietnam, for being tough on the Soviet Union, for antagonizing Lee Harvey Oswald and other Marxist Americans, for supporting lower taxes, and for wasting money on the space program.

Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1969)

Canceled... for serving in the military, for waging the Vietnam War, for supporting Israel, for being a racist who cynically exploited the civil rights movement for political gain, for frequently using the n-word, and for allowing the FBI to conduct wiretaps on Martin Luther King Jr., whom he once called a "hysterical preacher."

Jimmy Carter (1977-1981)

Canceled... for being a devout Christian, for being from the South, for serving in the military, for imposing cruel boycotts and embargoes on the Soviet Union, for not hating Israel enough, for sanctioning Iran and attempting to rescue U.S. hostages in Tehran, and for having ancestors who owned slaves.

Bill Clinton (1993-2001)

Canceled... for being a serial sex predator, for cavorting with billionaire pedophiles, for working with Republicans and being friends with George W. Bush, for enacting welfare reform, for being tough on crime, for his fanatical devotion to personal wealth accumulation, for his racist attacks on Barack Obama in the 2008 primary, for his defensive tirades against Black Lives Matter protesters, and for allowing his wife to murder Jeffrey Epstein.

But why stop there?

Barack H. Obama (2009-2017)

Canceled... for supporting free trade, for authorizing drone strikes, for failing to end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, for violating Pakistani sovereignty to carry out the illegal assassination of Osama bin Laden, for failing to abolish banks and health insurance companies, for putting children in cages and deporting undocumented immigrants, for not supporting gay marriage sooner, for promoting a culture of toxic masculinity at the White House, for attempting to "work with" Republicans and getting rolled by Mitch McConnell, for refusing to abolish the police, and for not turning out to be a secret Muslim.