Happy New Year, folks!
If your 2022 was anything like mine, you're still pretty embarrassed about the two rental cars you lost in Greater Reno, but also immensely grateful that authorities in many non-Western countries still accept bribes as an alternative to prison time or forced labor. In any event, I think we're all ready for a clean slate, a new beginning.
No one can be sure what 2023 has in store for us, but believe me when I tell you things have not gotten as f—d up as they are going to get. Here are my top predictions for the new year:
1) President Joe Biden suffers a major fall, most likely while doing something stupid like making a TikTok video or attempting the Heisman pose in bowling shoes. He requires emergency surgery and is put under general anesthesia for several hours. In accordance with established precedent, Vice President Kamala Harris becomes "acting president" during that time. By the time Biden wakes up his entire cabinet has resigned, the stock market is down 40 percent, and Kamala's stepdaughter Ella Emhoff has adorned the nuclear football in a garish crochet smock that is eventually sold at auction for $118,975.
2) At least one major publication or news network is forced to settle a likely-to-prevail defamation lawsuit after reporting demonstrably false accusations of criminal conduct involving Gov. Ron DeSantis (R., Fla.). Former CNN host Brian Stelter invites the disgraced journalist who wrote the story on his new podcast, Reliable Courses, which he cohosts with Dan Rather and Guy Fieri at the Cheesecake Factory in Elmhurst, Queens.
3) Mitt Romney grows the best-looking beard in the history of hair and becomes the most popular search term on the deepfake porn site Face Tube. The @RomneyBeard Twitter account amasses more than 800,000 followers before it is ultimately banned for posting anti-Semitic memes.
4) Soccer becomes increasingly and insufferably popular in the United States as a result of the recent World Cup. As more children sign up to play, however, their obnoxious liberal parents become hysterically concerned about "headers" and potential brain injuries, prompting many school districts and rec leagues to require the use of padded helmets.
5) Taylor Lorenz publishes a bombshell report about how a group of influencers known as the "Obesity Queens" are on a mission to #DestigmatizeFat. Lorenz praises the heroes for pushing back against the right-wing ableist agenda and highlights the success of their campaign to pressure Golden Corral restaurants to install wider doors and sturdier toilets.
6) A prominent Democratic politician, most likely Rep. Adam Schiff (Calif.), is forced to resign following a dick pic scandal. CNN host Jim Acosta has to recuse himself from covering the story after one of the dick pic recipients files a paternity lawsuit against him.
7) Donald Trump celebrates the second anniversary of the January 6 uprising by purchasing and demolishing Mike Pence's childhood home in Indiana. After destroying the house, which is more than 100 miles from Pence's actual childhood home, the demolition crew uncovers an elaborate network of underground tunnels operated by a shadowy cabal of flesh-eating pedophiles. The entire Deep State is implicated.
Have a great one, everybody.
Published under: Satire