Parody

The Nonpartisan Guide to Surviving Wuhan Bat Plague

In this time of international crisis caused by China, it is imperative for all human beings, especially the American ones, to set aside petty grievances and partisan affiliations. A global pandemic—the Wuhan bat plague or Neocoronavirus—is upon us.

People are dying. Now is not the time for frivolous debates about whether President Donald J. Trump deserves a second or third term in office or whether to postpone this year's presidential election out of an abundance of caution. Now is the time to unite for the common good by doing everything we can to prevent this deadly China virus from spreading.

That is why the Washington Free Beacon, in pursuit of its founding mission to promote transparency and accountability in the face of foreign threats, has decided to publish a strictly nonpartisan guide to surviving the Wuhan plague. Enjoy!

WHAT TO DO

  • Clean your hands often with soap and water for at least 20 seconds.

 

  • Use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer (at least 60% alcohol) if soap and water are not available.

 

  • Stay home when you are sick, or exhibiting flu-like symptoms.

 

  • Avoid Chinese restaurants, mosques, and other public spaces.

 

  • Avoid touching your eyes, nose, and mouth with dirty hands.

 

  • Limit your interactions with Democratic donors and other serial perverts.

 

  • Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze.

 

  • Research the most efficient routes to nearby hospitals.

 

  • Avoid public transportation and other socialist abominations.

 

  • Disinfect frequently touched objects and surfaces.

 

  • Call ahead before visiting a doctor with flu-like symptoms.

 

  • Walls work. Consider building one around your home or residence.

 

  • Take your temperature often and monitor your symptoms.

 

  • For updates on the outbreak, visit the Centers for Disease Control website.

 

  • For expert medical advice and information on which dietary supplements have been proven to cure the virus, follow Dr. Sebastian Gorka on Twitter @SebGorka.

 

  • Stock up on nonperishable items and other necessary household supplies, such as canned foods, toilet paper, and firearms/ammunition.

 

  • Avoid unnecessary travel. Instead of flying to New York City to purchase MAGA hats at Trump Tower, for example, consider donating to President Trump's reelection campaign by visiting his website.

WHO IS AT RISK?

  • In Red China, where the pandemic started, the vast majority of confirmed cases (87 percent) occurred in people between the ages of 30 and 79—the precise age of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D., Calif.).  

 

  • The people most at risk of dying are, according to science, men in their late 70s and older. This demographic includes former vice president Joe Biden, 77, the presumptive Democratic nominee for president. 

THINGS TO KNOW

  • Social isolation does not mean social media isolation. In the interest of boosting public morale, patriotic Americans should devote at least an hour each day to owning the libs. 

 

  • What would Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh do in self-isolation? Drink beer, that's what.

 

  • In moments of crisis, public confidence in the president is crucial to the government's ability to respond effectively. All comments about the president's handling of the Wuhan outbreak should be positive.

 

  • The China virus may spread more slowly in warmer temperatures. Until scientists can learn more, it is prudent for all Americans to contribute to the so-called "global warming" phenomenon by eating meat, rolling coal, and procreating.

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