Parody

I Programmed a Bot to Predict The Media Reaction to Night Two of the GOP Convention

The media covered the opening night of the Republican convention on Monday with characteristic professionalism. The New York Times front page, for example, included headlines such as "Trump Nominated as G.O.P. Delivers Ominous Messages," "Focus on Grievance Instead of Uplift," and "Recasting History on Virus, Race, and His Record."

The Washington Post offered a nearly identical assessment with headlines like "GOP Portrays Democrats as a Menace," "Trump and Republicans Attack Biden, Stick to Grievances," "Convention Kicks Off With Warnings of Anarchy," and "Republican convention speakers share dark vision of Democrats and praise Trump’s character."

That got us thinking: If writing about political conventions is so easy that two fierce competitors in the field of professional journalism can independently agree on how to frame their coverage, perhaps the Washington Free Beacon‘s resident bot could predict the media's response to this evening's festivities.

So we forced our bot to digest and analyze media reports from GOP conventions dating back to 2004 and asked it to write a preemptive estimation of the media coverage that will appear in Wednesday morning's newspapers. Enjoy!

Trump Family Conjures Nixon's Ghost in Haunting Display of Grievance Apocalypse 

By Corbin Cabot Nides and Jackson Carter-Muñoz and Dill Craftbeer

American Dream? More like American Nightmare.

As peaceful riots engulfed the country, the scene at Tuesday night's Republican convention starkly echoed the depraved "law and order" fetish of impeached president Richard M. Nixon. Offensive rhetoric waged a culture war on the truth, fueled by the politics of whiteness. Even the Black speakers were racist against themselves.

President Donald J. Trump's illegal immigrant house guest, Melania, muttered ominously in a speech that was not plagiarized but refused to acknowledge fascism. Her expensive costume did not reflect compassion for minorities.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo disobeyed precedent by addressing the convention from Jerusalem in Occupied Palestine. The Islamophobic rant, which some experts have described as a "war crime," was devoid of crucial context and factually obscene. Notably, Pompeo is a white man.

Sen. Rand Paul (R., Ky.), a little person who has failed to recapture the middling renown he enjoyed prior to Trump's debate humiliation in 2016, also spoke at the convention. The diminutive senator was flanked by a meticulous cast of tragedy whores, including a woman whose son was killed by an immigrant without papers—a drunk driver who was not a rapist like Trump said.

Important context was missing from the culture war grievance carnival. For example, Trump locked all the children of color in concentration camps. Also, Democratic tragedies tend to be more poignant than Republican tragedies, according to a university professor. A macabre charade, indeed.

A grim anger infused the invective that was hurled at Joe Biden and Democrats, who recently held their optimistic convention in Milwaukee. An anti-choice activist assaulted the rights of women and other individuals with a cervix. Navajo Nation vice president Myron Lizer committed a token genocide against himself by supporting Trump.

Editor's Note: On advice of counsel, we have removed a paragraph discussing the convention address delivered by Nicholas Sandmann, the high school student who may or may not have committed racism by staring down a Native American activist in front of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. 

President Trump's adult boy, Eric, used "liberal tears" to paint a watercolor portrait of apocalyptic rage. We fact-checked the contents of the speech, once again resulting in confirmed lies. The intent was to thrust America backwards to a time when slavery was A-OK. Beyond that, the GOP platform was impossible to decipher. Because you can't spell MAGA without H-A-T-E.