What happened: Hunter Biden, the wayward adult son of President Joe Biden, agreed to give his out-of-wedlock daughter several paintings in lieu of the child support payments he claims to be unable to afford.
• Despite being an artist of underwhelming talent, Hunter has sold paintings for as much as $500,000 to anonymous buyers.
• President Biden refuses to acknowledge his granddaughter's existence and has reportedly instructed White House staff to do the same.
Rogue gallery: These are the paintings Hunter's daughter will receive in lieu of cash, according to documents recovered from an iPad the Washington Free Beacon exclusively found on the floor of the men's bathroom at Archibald's Gentleman's Club in Washington, D.C., several blocks from the White House. Enjoy!
Context: An email recovered from Hunter's abandoned laptop said the "big guy" was to receive a 10 percent stake in a sketchy investment deal involving a Chinese energy firm in 2017.
Context: Hunter has claimed to have "no recollection" of his sexual encounter with his daughter's mother, Lunden Alexis Roberts, but admits to cavorting with dozens if not hundreds (thousands?) of women who were "hardly the dating type."
Context: Hunter Biden smoked copious amounts of crack cocaine.
Context: Hunter wrote eloquently about how good it feels to get high from crack cocaine in his 2021 memoir, Beautiful Things. "The sensation is one of utter, almost otherworldly well-being," he explained. "You are at once energetic, focused, and calm. Blood rushes to every extremity; your skin ripples with what feels like bumblebees ... the sensation of being transported—at something like warp speed, as if riding bareback on a rocket ship—to some far-off, beautiful place."
Context: Hunter once described his stepmother, Dr. Jill Biden, as a "selfish silly entitled c—t" who "wouldn't survive one class in a ivy [sic] graduate program."
Context: The Secret Service still can't figure out who left a bag of cocaine in one of the most secure locations in the White House earlier this month.
Context: Located a short walk from the White House, Archibald's is Hunter's happy place. He spent enormous sums of money at the gentleman's entertainment club over the years and wrote it off as a business expense on his taxes. Hunter was once admonished for smoking crack in one of the VIP rooms. Good times.