"The future of our planet is at stake," failed candidate Bernie Sanders said Monday while sitting in front of a pile of dismembered trees, presumably destined for cremation in his capitalist chimney where its death will heat the millionaire's primary residence—a cheap alternative to the sustainable sources we will need to win the war for environmental justice.
In addition to selling out the socialist wing of the Democratic Party by endorsing a differently-abled Wall Street puppet at the virtual convention, Sanders's appearance inspired commentary from social media users about the intoxicating smoothness of his 78-year-old forehead. Like a perfectly shaped egg, as though possessed by the motionless calm of the Volga in winter. A brief yet thorough analysis found that Bernie's forehead was, in fact, suspiciously smooth.
"At its most basic, this election is about preserving our democracy," Sanders said. It appears that the socialist millionaire knows a thing or two about preservation.