2012 Man of the Year: Kenny Powers
December 29, 2012

Kenneth F. Powers, the mercurial professional baseball player, businessman, and all around American badass, conquered Americans’ hearts and minds in 2012.

This year saw the race-baiting, drug-addled, womanizing relief pitcher in the midst of one of the most improbable comeback stories in fictional baseball history. Playing for the minor league Myrtle Beach Mermen, Powers had to overcome several personal tragedies in order to make it back to the majors for one final triumph.

Powers, estimated to be in his late 30s, began this season attempting to reconcile with his estranged high school sweetheart by having a night on the town. But after shot-gunning several beers and an extreme game of mini-golf, he awoke the next morning to find himself ‘punished with a baby,’ as his baby momma April left him with their infant son Toby (aka T-boy).

To continue his hard-partying ways, Powers was forced to find suitable childcare for his son. He turned to loyal manservant Stevie Janowski and his wife, who reluctantly obliged.

But just as things seemed to be turning around for Powers, he was blindsided by the sudden death of his best friend and Mermen catcher Shane Dog, who died in a tragic cocaine-induced heart attack.

Powers powered through his adversity, overcoming the odds to return to the majors.

Ever the showman, though, Kenny had one last trick up his sleeve. As he was about to throw his first pitch, he abruptly dropped the ball and ran off the field. Powers summarily faked his own death in a horrific drunk driving accident so as to leave the public eye at the zenith of his legend.

Powers magically reappeared on his girlfriend’s porch, leaving fans guessing as to what Kenny Powers’ future holds.

Published under: Men of the Year