2019 Man of the Year: Willie Brown

Perhaps the most laudable quality of so-called great men is their ability to inflict greatness upon the women in their lives. Bill Clinton turned Monica Lewinsky into a household name, and almost got his female spouse elected president. Hugh Grant helped Divine Brown, aka "Cherry Red," land an appearance on "The Joey Buttafuoco Show" in the late 1990s. Thanks to Donald J. Trump, the otherwise unremarkable Omarosa Manigault Newman has joined the elite club of celebs who no longer require a surname. 

2019 Man of the Year: John Bolton’s Notepad

John Bolton"5,000 troops to Colombia." Four words scrawled on a yellow notepad, clutched in the right hand of the national security adviser of the United States of America. Four words scribbled by the owner of the most feared mustache in the land. Four words to make a socialist cretin in Venezuela quake. Four words to make freedom ring.

2019 Men of the Year: Bourbon-Soaked Bulletproof Vest Testers

Every generation there are American men who push the boundaries of what's possible at great risk to themselves. Think Chuck Yeager smashing the sound barrier in 1947, or Donald Trump shattering the Great Blue Wall in 2016. In 2019, we now know that bulletproof vests are capable of stopping five shots to the back thanks to Christopher Hicks, Charles Ferris, and numerous bottles of alcohol.

2019 Man of the Year: Russell Crowe

Russell CroweHollywood beauty standards are outrageous with insurmountable pressure on men, who are expected to remain slender or have their physiques compared to the late, great actor John Candy. Rapper Kanye West has gotten liposuction, even after his mom died during cosmetic surgery. Singer Kenny Rogers is unrecognizable from his facelift. One bearded crusader is sacrificing his health and rising against these standards. This fearless man is choosing to love himself, since no one else will, and to free the entire oppressed male gender by not conforming.