Culture

2019 Man of the Year: The Successfully Transplanted Penis

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"In a year that has been so improbable, the impossible has happened!" – Vin Scully, 1988 World Series

In October, it was reported that the unbelievable occurred. Dr. Richard Redett had successfully performed a penis transplant on a man at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland.

Now we know what you're thinking, "Oh great, here we go, another gender identity story, big deal…"

But, dear reader, you'd be mistaken.

This transplant occurred not on some woman who thinks she's a man or some man who thought he was a woman, but now realizes he's a man again, nor was it on Adam Schiff. This transplant was performed on the greatest of men, a wounded warrior, a United States Marine.

The Marine was brutally injured serving in Afghanistan and had lived with a prosthetic ever since. He soon after learned he was a candidate for the world's first full penis transplant but then waited years for a donor to come along.

The MIT Technology Review has the full details of this incredible journey and of all the heroes involved, so we encourage you to check it out here.

The story of this transplant should raise awareness of and appreciation for the truly great American doctors out there who are doing fantastic work in the field of penis science—perhaps the one science the Free Beacon editorial team believes in!

This particular surgery is significant for more than just the precedent it sets. For too long, credit to penises, Weiners, and wangs had been relegated to feats of creating life, destroying life, or creating life that destroyed lives.

In 2019, we can now say a dick might have just saved its first life. As recalled by the transplanted schlong's new owner, Ray:

Ray wouldn't say the transplant saved his life, exactly, but it has improved it.

"This surgery was a way for me to overcome that little subconscious voice or whatever it was that would always keep me feeling different from everyone else," he says. "It was one of those injuries that really stresses you out and you think, ‘Why would I keep going?' I guess I always just kept this real hope that there's an answer out there."

If there's one thing this world needs, it is the United States Marines. And if this one member can save a Marine's life, then perhaps this cock of the walk may be the most important and accomplished prick in the world. Think about it. How many Marines has your little pecker saved today?

The Free Beacon's robust research staff tells us that a penis alone is not eligible for a service medal, so this historic, heroic dong will have to settle for receiving the esteemed honor of 2019's Free Beacon Man of The Year.