2019 Man of the Year: The Buck That Humped A Decoy

• December 31, 2019 9:00 am


Rock Bottom. It's a place most men visit at least once in their lives. It's a place from which some men never escape, but for others, it's a turning point on a long road to triumphant redemption.

Some say it's a state of mind, but friends, Rock Bottom is a very real place.

We all know it when we see it. Perhaps it's a friend or colleague whose reckless endeavors finally catch up to him. For others, it's seen in the rearview of one's own life.

Rock Bottom is both different and similar for all those who find themselves in that lousy pit of despair.

A young man, living on his own, out in the wild for the very first time. The world is his oyster and his future is bright. But somewhere along the way, things take a dark turn.

He falls in with a dastardly crowd, spending his nights on the town and his days recovering on the couch.

Sloth and lust consume him. His lone desires in life are for his next drink and his next lay.

One evening, he hits the local dive with his buddies Mick, Nick, and Tom. They bump into Seabass, an old friend from high school who buys them all a round of boilermakers. One round becomes a half dozen and the rest of his night is a blur.

The young man fumbles a couple of texts to an ex and manages to score an invite to shelter at her place for the night. It's only a few blocks away and he cannot afford an Uber anyways. He stumbles into the night in search of her comfort and attention.

He arrives at the door and fumbles with the lock.

The key won't fit, but a brusque tug at the door breaks it free and that is when he spots her. Standing there in the hallway in stone silence, dressed in red négligée.

The young man doesn't know much, but he knows enough to let his body answer her call. He pulls her close and begins to make sweet, sweet love to his object of desire.

The night ends as he closes his eyes.

Before dawn, the man awakes to a ruckus. A bright light shines in his eyes. He knows not where he lays.

"Sir, this is a Marshall's," says an unfamiliar and stern voice.

"What in God's name happened in here? This mannequin is missing a head! It smells like piss in here! GET OUT NOW!"

He runs off into the early dawn, filled with shame, disgraced in a place in time, seemingly in another dimension, achievement achieved with Rock Bottom as his prize.

Many a man has survived Rock Bottom. God willing, others will too.

Rock Bottom is not a place to celebrate or indulge—it is a cautionary tale.

Rock Bottom is a real place where you'll meet this deer, 2019's Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year.

Published under: Men of the Year