Name: Robert Francis O’Rourke

Nickname(s): Beto, Beta, Beta O’Dork, Sweaty McUpwardfail

Occupation: Unemployed

Political experience: El Paso City Councilman (2005-2011), U.S. Congressman (2013-2019)

Political failures: U.S. Senate race in Texas (2018), Democratic presidential primary (2020), Texas gubernatorial race (2022)

Accomplishments: Born rich, married rich. First politician since David Duke, the former klansman, to run and lose campaigns for president, governor, and U.S. Senate in consecutive election cycles.

Hates freedom? So much.

Why/how? He literally wants to take away your guns.

Claim to shame: Appearing on the cover of Vanity Fair in March 2019—several months after losing the U.S. Senate race in Texas and several weeks before announcing his run for president. “Man, I’m just born to be in it,” he told the glossy magazine. (Fact check: He was not.)

What they’re saying: “You’re a sick son of a bitch.” That’s what the mayor of Uvalde, Texas, shouted after Beto threw a tantrum during a press conference following the mass shooting at Robb Elementary School in May 2022.

Fun fact: Beto likes to prank his wife, Amy, usually by confronting her with a knife while she’s showering like in the movie Psycho. One time, according to the Washington Post, the failed politician “collected an especially verdant turd from one of their kids’ diapers and put it in a bowl, telling Amy it was avocado.”

What’s next? Who cares?