CONFIRMED: Soccer Is the Greatest Threat to Freedom and Democracy

FIFA bans "human rights for all" practice jerseys at World Cup

November 12, 2022

What happened: FIFA, the international soccer federation, refused to let the Danish national team practice in shirts promoting "human rights for all" at the World Cup, which begins later this month in Qatar.

Seriously? Yes. The chief executive of Denmark's soccer association said FIFA rejected the team's request "due to technical reasons." The seemingly innocuous phrase was presumably deemed too "political" due to the host country's appalling human rights record and ties to terrorist organizations.

Wait, what? Human rights groups have condemned Qatar for using forced labor to build the infrastructure required to host the World Cup. More than 6,500 migrant workers are believed to have died there since 2020. The country is a longstanding supporter of Hamas, the Taliban, al Qaeda, and other Islamic terrorist groups.

So why is Qatar hosting the World Cup? Because FIFA is an irredeemably corrupt organization that represents an irredeemably corrupt sport. A U.S. Justice Department investigation found that Qatar and Russia, site of the 2018 World Cup, secured hosting rights by bribing FIFA officials.

What the hell? I know.

Is soccer a threat to freedom and democracy? Perhaps the single greatest threat, thanks for asking.

Why? The sport itself is an abomination. It is technically a game of skill, and that skill is performative whining. The players fall down every few seconds and are occasionally carried off on stretchers despite never actually getting injured. It is relatively common for two professional teams to play for 90 minutes without scoring a single goal. Most disturbingly of all, America is very bad at soccer.

What about the fans? Cretinous ghouls. The American ones in particular are almost certainly the most obnoxious people on the planet, with the possible exception of those climate activists who throw soup at paintings and keep gluing themselves to things.

How so? Imagine a 38-year-old schlub who has never played sports his entire life. He still won't shut up about the time he studied abroad in London and saw a "football" "match" at Wembley.

He voted for Elizabeth Warren in the Democratic primary and posted a black square on his Instagram account to honor George Floyd. He abhors capitalism but loves his job as a financial consultant specializing in equitable outsourcing and inclusive restructuring. He thinks those obnoxious climate activists have a point.

He enjoys the unironic patriotism of supporting Team USA because it makes him feel cultured—like buying The Economist at an airport—but also enjoys watching them get crushed by Belgium because American exceptionalism is a "force for evil."

Gross. I know.

Sounds like soccer fans are the real "force for evil" in the world. They are.

Published under: Human Rights , Qatar